Are You Ready to Have Children?

From a recent e-mail:

THE MESS TEST:

Smear Marmite on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and then rub them on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Push all your loose change into the video. Place a fish finger behind the coach and leave it there all summer.

THE TOY TEST:

Obtain a 55-gallon box of Lego. (If Lego is unavailable, you may substitute roofing tacks or bottle tops). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen without screaming as this could wake a child at night.

THE SUPERMARKET TEST:

Borrow one or two farmyard animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the supermarket. Always keep them in site and pay for anything they eat or damage.

THE DRESSING TEST:

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag, making sure that all arms stay inside.

THE FEEDING TEST:

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. When finished, dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

THE NIGHT TEST:

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 p.m. Lay down your bag. At 10:00 p.m. pick up your bag and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 a.m. Set alarm for 5:00 a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.

THE PHYSICAL TEST (Women):

Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for nine months. Now remove ten of the beans.

THE PHYSICAL TEST (Men):

Go to the nearest chemist. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the chemist to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest supermarket. Go to the head office and arrange for your salary to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

THE FINAL ASSIGNMENT:

Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their child’s discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot or watch television. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.