Short Jokes

Hahaha, I get it!!! Funny! But is that supposed to be offensive to blondes? I used to be a blonde. But now I have brown hair =)

Merry Christmas,
Savannah

A red headed woman goes to the doctor and says," I hurt all over, every part of my body hurts when I touch it."

The doctor says "Show me".

The red head pokes her leg with her finger and then screams in pain. She then pokes her arm and screams in pain, then her face and then her foot each time screamimg in pain.

The doctor says " Your not a natural red head are you?"

The woman replies" No Im blonde actually, I dye my hair from time to time, how did you know?"

The doctor replies" Thought so, you've broken your finger!"

Why did the blonde stare at the carton of orange juice?

It said 'concentrate'.

How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. The light bulb wants to change on its own.

How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?
Nobody knows because the woman always gets the house!

I saw the ghost of Gloria Gaynor at the foot of my bed; at first I was afraid........

Two psychics passed one another in the street. The first one said 'You're feeling good today. How am I?'

What do you call a Russian who smokes fifty cigarettes a day?

Ivan Nastichestikoff.

What do you call a Russian napkin?

A Soviette.

Alfred the communist might be ill-mannered, but he's spot on with the weather forecasting. He can always tell when we're due for a soaking...

...yep, rude Alf the Red knows rain, dear...

When my mother in law was born she was so ugly the midwife slapped her mother.

Why does Edward Woodward have so many 'd's in his name?

Cos without them he'd be E war Woo war.

Percy Shaw invented the cat's eyes we see on the roads while driving in the dark and seeing a cat's eyes coming towards him. If the cat had been walking the other way I wonder if he would have invented the pencil sharpener?

When David Beckham was playing football for Manchester United he said to Alex Ferguson 'Listen Boss, if I don't play very well will you pull me off at half time'? Ferguson replied 'No I won't, you can have half an orange like everyone else!'

An Essex girl was involved in a car accident. When the ambulance arrived, she was lying in a pool of blood.

The paramedic said "Where you bleeding from, love?"

"Colchester" she replied.

A man walks into a bar...

Says ow.

Nice one shep. Reminds of the Englishman, Irishman, and Scotsman who walk into a bar. The barman says "What's this some kind of joke?"

Woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre. Barman says "See her over there, I've just given her one".

How long can you keep a chicken in the fridge? Because I put one in last night and, when I came to look at it this morning, it was dead.

A man went into the doctors who told him he'd only got three minutes to live. "Can't you do anything for me doctor?"
"Well I could boil you an egg!"

What's the difference between a circus and a brothel?

One of them is a cunning array of stunts.

Where do retired detectives live out their twilight years?

Sherlock Homes.

Who likes punks to make his day and has no money?

Skint Eastwood

And where does he live?

East Clintwood

And what does he suffer from?

Eastwoodworm

And who would know why I'm wasting my time like this?

Clint East would

Why is Heston Blumenthal politically correct?

Because his food is responsibly sauced from sustainable sauces.

What would Edward Woodward name his business if he opened a timber yard in Essex with Woody Allen?

Edward Woodward and Woody's wood of Woodford.

Why does that have so many d's in it?

Because if it didn't, it'd be E war Woo war and Woo y's woo of Woo for.

Which American B-movie director and British actor would have made a great production team if they'd both still been around today?

Ed Wood and Edward Woodward would.

Chap looking for a pub and finds one advertising a 'pint a pie and a friendly word' Nobody inside but gets his pint and pie badly served up. Then he asks for the friendly word.
"Don't eat the pie!"

What did the ghost say to the bee before the bee got scared?

Boo-Bee!

Savannah

Where do they weigh whales?

In whale-weigh stations.

"I read Great Expectations recently."

"How was it?"

"Not what I'd hoped for."

What's the difference between a gourmet and a run through the woods?

One's a pant in the country...

*

What's the difference between a baby and a seagull?

A seagull flits across the shore.

*

If a brassiere is an upper-decker flopper-stopper,
and a jock strap is a lower-decker knacker-checker,
and a toilet roll is a super-duper pooper-scooper,
what's a punch-drunk fellow whose father has dysentry?

A slap-happy chappie with a crap-happy pappy.

Ok, so... This is a blonde joke...

3 girls walk into a barn, trying to hide from the police. One girl is a brunette, another is a red head, and the last is a blonde.

Sooo....

The three girls hide behind three different objects. Then the police come in to look for them. The brunette hides behind a cow, and when the police shines a flashlight on the cow, she says "moooo" so the police turn away, thinking that it's just a cow.

The red head hides behind a pig, so when the police shines the flashlight on her, she says "oink oink".
Thinking that it's just a pig, the police turn their flashlight away.

Finally, the blonde hides behind a stack of potatoes, so when the police shine the flashlight on her, what does she say??

Po-TA-to...

Then she ends up getting caught.

It took me a while to get the last part of the joke, but then I ended up laughing, because it was funny =). Just say "Po-TA-to..." outloud and you'll get it!!!

Savannah

Confucius says; man that is above the Law, must watch out that he doesn't end up below the ground...

Wife rings husband, "Sorry Dear the car's broken down."
"Do you know what's wrong?" asks husband.
"Yes it's got water in the carburettor!"
"How do you know that, you know nothing about engines."
"It's in the river!"

The Russian Minister of Birth-control - Kutchabolsoff

Man walks into a pub with his dog and asks for a pint, the dog sits and starts to lick his backside.

A drunk at the bar says "I wish I could do that"
to which the dogs owner replies "Give him a biscuit and he will let you".

Millwall supporter takes his jack russell to the game. When the opposing side score the jack russell jumps in the air and does a backflip.

Man behind him say,s "Thats fantastic, what does he do when Millwall score"

The dog owner says " Don't know only had him four years!"

Bill and his wife Blanche go to the county fair every year, And every year Bill would say,
" Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter ".

Blanche always replied, " I know Bill, but that helicopter ride is twenty quid, And twenty quid is twenty quid! ".
One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said, " Blanche, I'm 75 years old.

If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance ". To this, Blanche replied,
" Bill that helicopter ride is twenty quid, and twenty quid is twenty quid ".

The pilot overheard the couple and said,
" Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny But if you say one word it's twenty quid".

Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
But still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said,
" By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't I'm impressed".

Bill replied, " Well, to tell you the truth
I almost said something when Blanche fell out,
But you know, Twenty quid is twenty quid".

An Army Officer said to a Private 'I didn't see you at camoflage practice today.'

'Thank you, sir,' said the Private.

when I saw this thread I realised I hadn't heard a good joke for ages. Then I read all the jokes and realised I still hadn't heard a good joke for ages.

Hey Highhat are you telling me you didn't laugh at any ? Not even the one about the cats eyes and the pencil Sharpener, really not one ?

especially that one I found extremely exasperating Clive. No can't say much about them without lying.

George W Bush dies and goes to Hell. Old Nick says to him 'You have three choices about how to spend eternity. The choices are in these three cells.'

He opens the door of the first cell - and inside is Tony Blair, stark naked, diving into an ocean of fire. He dives in, then gets out again - his flesh afire - then dives in again, over and over.

GWB says 'I don't fancy that. I can't swim.'

So Old Nick opens the second door - and there's Rupert Murdoch, stark naked, jumping onto a bed of flaming coals. The coals are so hot that he jumps up in pain - only to come back down on them again, over and over.

GWB says 'I don't fancy that one, either. I'm not very good at jumping.'

So Old Nick opens the final door - and there's Bill Clinton, stark naked, with Monica Lewinski kneeling down in front of him doing what she's most famous for.

GWB says 'Hm... yes... I think I can handle this one alright.'

So Old Nick calls out 'Hey, Monica. You can stop now. Someone else is here to take over.'

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her breasts.
Dr Smith advised her, 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say,'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'
She did this faithfully for several months!
To her utter amazement she grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.
Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.'
A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked 'Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?'
'Yes I am.. How did you know?'
He, winked and whispered, ' Hickory dickory dock...'

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much.
That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k'?

The latest Irish invention - a polystirene submarine

Two nurses discussing the patients on a mens' ward.

1st Nurse: Have you seen that big chap in the corner?

2nd Nurse: Yes.

1st Nurse: Did you notice he's got 'Ludo' tattooed on his thing?

2nd Nurse: It's not 'Ludo'. It's 'Llandudno'.

A Long Short Joke?

Whether Conservative, Liberal or Labour , I think you'll get a kick out of this!

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What are Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night,! he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to
check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door
locked, he peeks in the keyhole and see's his father in bed with the
nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now. '

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think
politics are all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The prime Minister is screwing the Working
Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being
ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'

Thanks Clive nice one. It's been put onto my stock of good jokes.

Your welcome Geoffrey

Long short joke - my favourite...

A High Court judge, a County Court judge and a magistrate are discussing what they're going to get their respective wives for Christmas.

The High Court judge says 'I'm getting mine a white gold diamond cluster necklace and a plain chiffon neck scarf.'

The other two ask why he's chosen that particular combination.

'It's a matter of dramatic effect,' he says. 'Whenever we go to a dinner party, she puts the scarf on over the necklace to hide it. Then, when we get there and everyone's looking, she whips off the scarf - and wham! The gold and diamonds hit them in the face.'

So the County Court judge says 'Well, I'm getting my wife a platinum 21-stone diamond eternity ring and a pair of plain black nylon gloves.'

The other two ask about that particular combination.

'Well,' he says, 'A ring such as that is a huge temptation for any thief. And as my wife spends a lot of time in crowded shops, I thought it would be a good idea to get the gloves for her so she could keep the ring hidden. Kind of a security measure.'

They both then turn to the magistrate, who says 'I'm getting my wife a pair of pink fluffy slippers and a dildo.'

The other two ask the usual question.

'Because,' he says, 'if she don't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself!'

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