Butter

Fubar, I am actually a leading butter scientist and thanks to your post my phone hasn't stopped ringing.

Having constructed my new home out of butter, egg and milk cartons in December last year you can imagine the disappointment of my wife and children when we woke up one sunny June morning to find ourselves living an omelette that was so large, they say they could see it from space.

So don't talk to me about butter.

You should have called me first Lavadis or visit my website. www.leadingbutterscientist.com
All the answers to your butter problems are on there.

Dairy products are renowned for floating on water, much like shit. I recently made my Lab a dog house constructed entirely of his own shit.
I sent a picture of Zedward's dog house to Top Eco Activity TV but they haven't replied. I am sure they're trying to steal the patent away from me but that won't work.
As a marketing tie-in for the dog house, I am in the lengthy process of saving my own and my dear wife's crap to make a bouncing shit-bomb (BShitB), which I intend to unveil on the Thames with the aid of my Matchbox Hawker Harrier in a plight to destroy the river wall of the houses of parliament. This will highlight the faulty properties of stone masonry and I will be tendering for the reparation of the wall using the shit of consenting prison inmates.

Good day to you, sir.

You raise some very good points blighters. I was at the annual Butter Scientists convention only last month where we discussed the problems associated with the great product. We had a case study, a young man had a problem with butter, he couldn't tell the difference between butter and putty. All his windows fell out!

I have experienced a similar quandry with shit, Mister Jolono.
I found that when I fed Zedward with ordinary dog food, made mostly of hay and cow's eyeballs, the consistency of his poo lacked grip, but then I discovered that when he ate butcher's bones, his poo took on a completely different form. After drying, it was ash white, and compared to the sludge of ordinary dog food, which took an age to decompose, the boney poo was easy to work and adhered well.
The real discovery came when I mixed the two types together, and I haven't looked back since.
For my bouncing shit-bomb, my wife and I now eat the rib-cages of six to eight cows a day together with 64 Iceland burgers and powdered potato puree.
Although my wife hasn't left the shed since this dietary modification, she assures me that she's very happy. A pig in shit, she says.
Sorry to hear about the young man's putty problems. If you let me know his address, I shall send enough shit to reputty his window (this comes with a no-quibble ten-year warranty).

Now I have a true story for you which I have not shared with you before.

I was at a wedding and we were in a park where the photographs were being taken when I went to the gents, as one does, for a leak. I was interested to observe that a not insubstantial mirror had been framed in shit. Now it occurred to me that this was more shit than one person could have produced on their own so I was left to ponder - had they made more than one visit, had several people added to this or had more than one person decided to embark upon this task at the same time. I also wondered how they would have explained their project to any other users of the toilet.

Sadly the Turner Prize had already been won that year by Tracey Emin although it did remind me of her better work.

Hang on a minute!

The website www.leadingbutterscientist.com does not exist!

Try mine.
www.shitcanfly.cum

I read with interest your comments regarding shit, butter and putty. I for one prefer butter on toast, however I once mistook shit for chocolate spread and was suprised by my reaction. I have always been a big fan of butter since watching Last Tango in Paris many years ago!

Apologies Mr Rushdiep, the site is undergoing maintenance at the moment and won't be back until much later today.
Mr Lavadis, I apologise for the mirror incident it was one of those "spur of the moment" things. I happened to notice that it was falling apart and made my attempts at mending it with the only thing I had to hand. The large curry the night before helped.
Mr Rock I wish you luck in your latest venture, regards to Mrs Rock and Zedward.
Mr Falls, yes I remember the film well. In fact it was i that provided the butter. It was a mixture of Anchor, Lard and Stork margarine. Now marketed of course as "I can't believe the flippin taste of this shit"

It's funny you should mention Stork margarine, Mr Jolono.
I stumbled across some in the larder and went flying. It was when I came to that I realised that the properties of Stork margarine, namely powdered pigs' bladders and whales' urine, may well help with the active bonding for my shit-bomb.
In layman's terms, pig bladders offers flexibility during the drying process of my crap. While it dries the powdered bladder fuses and bonds together all components, fixing and strengthening in much the same way that metals strengthen over time.
The Stork does come with a pong, but my wife has become quite partial to it now.

It's all about surface tension and relative density.

The substances that will float on water are those with a density less than that of water (1.00 g/mL)

Cork=0.24 g/mL Density
Butter= 0.86 g/mL Density
Ice=0.92 g/mL Density

In diets that are high in fats, the resultant shit will always float, despite being heavier than the shit that results from a low-fat diet (which will often sink). The weight, too, will ensure a decent splosh of water over the anus, which assists in the cleaning process. This is one of the much-overlooked advantages of a high-fat diet.

I'm thinking of marketing a butter in the shape of a particularly sizeable Number 2 and calling it 'Butturd' - as in 'butt turd'. Do you think they'll go for it on Dragons' Den?

Funny you should mention that Mr Man, I was asked to appear on Dragons Den, but then they found out I wasn't over 6ft 9ins, greek or an incredibly ugly dracula looking woman so I didn't qualify.
But you make some interesting observations on the subject of butter, shit and it's density. Many years ago I invented something, it was a high density mixture of butter and malt whisky. I called it Butterscotch, its very famous now.

Stan - I would like to invest in the development of Butturd but only if I have the backing of Dr Blighters at the Shite observatory, Professor Jolono at the WWMOBF - which is either something to do with birds or wrestlers made of butter and Dr Fubar - with all that entails.

I was thinking a 1 litre bucket of shite per day for a years as an initial working fund but I would require 60% of the business. I think I could manage that.

I can't wait to see something about this on the telly. So obviously the answer is (d) and (d). I worked that out all on my own. Now where's the blog?

Mr Lavadis, we at the Wonderful World of Mouthwatering Ovalshaped Butter Foundation welcome your enthusiasm for our great products. You have our backing for the investment, however I think it should be 2 litres of shite per day for a year. But we would require 65% of the business.
My major concern is Dr Fubar, he seems to have gone a bit quiet. We should try him on his wonderful blog.
Mr FTSE as you qualify, can you contact him please we need an answer asap!

now see here.
I hold the exclusive rights to any such products related to and engineered in crap. Any product that entrails the market must come through the business end of my company, Shitwits.
Mr Man, faeces fatigue is exactly the same as metallic fatigue as you will see in my book, A Design For Crap. Butturd is a good idea but would not hold itself in a court of law. In fact, I can assure you'll be given a bum deal.
I will now consult my lawyers regarding all other posts in this thread.

Mr Rock I can assure you that no harm was intended. In fact my product "pilesbutter" was invented so that the crap would evacuate more comfortably. We have a range a these products available on the web site www.weusebuttertohelpcrapproblems.com
This will tell you about them.
We invented a product that was a fusion of butter and crap and we called it "Buttercrap" but those horrible people in marketing thought it wouldn't work and called it AERO. You can find it in the shops now, it's quite wonderful and comes in many flavours.

Excuse the delay, Mr Jolono. I have been on the Tommy for the last four hours trying my damnedest to evacuate the lion's share of yesterday's ribs. I managed 8 kilos while the wife had no problem delivering her usual 7 kilos on time, but the shed loo finally caved in through the floor, with Deirdre. An ambulance was called but the blasted fools couldn't get to her through the chicken wire. The fire brigade were very understanding.

Aero sounds familiar but I can't quite put my finger on it. I probably invented it years ago and threw it out. My solicitor told me that I would be charged with harassment if I called again so everyone's off the hook.
Mr FTSE, I assume when you say you're looking for the blog that you really mean bog.
If you would be so kind as to send any unwanted shit to me, I can repay you in my stock of Blue Shields stamps.
My address is;
Number Two's,
Properlog Passage,
Alldandy,
GU1 LTY.

I'm off to the abbatoir now. Toodeloo!

Ahh... remember the '60s when dog shit was white, and all the adverts said 'Please don't cook with KerryGold'.

Just a little random historical connection there...

I agree with Julia Gillard. Whatever she thinks on the matter, that's my opinion.

Yeah, when dog shit was white, dog food was food.