Here's my latest scheme. I'm going to hire myself out as a stalker to those not yet famous enough to have one of their own.
Let's face it, the first thing an agent will ask you, before even looking at your writing or your face, is - have you got yourself a stalker yet?
My rates vary according to how much attention you want. If it's just a few crank emails, I can do that for a dozen people at a time so my rates are very modest. If you want exclusivity, with the optional death threats and razored teddy bears, that comes at a price.
For the community-minded, there's my stalkers club. We believe in equality of stalking, so everybody stalks everybody else.
Finally, there's the charity stalking option - celebs who give up their time to stalk those less famous than themselves.
Can I rely on your support?