Eureka!

I have to share this with you! It's a miracle!

I have been working for years on a cure for water idiots. I had always thought it would be a matter of finding a way to administer ever harder slaps. Unfortunately, even when the slapping apparatus was turned to eleven, the machinery would slap the patients' heads right off before it ever cured them.

Then I had an idea from homeopathy. Like cures like! Advertising caused the disease, so advertising would cure it! I set about making a series of advertisements in which a couple were seen in various settings being offered the choice between bottled water and - here's my inspiration - fresh water!

On being offered the stale water, the couple's faces showed revulsion. In the background was a wino drinking water from a bottle. On being offered fresh water, the couple instantly cheered up. In the background was a Ferrari and a new hair-do.

I tried the ads on some of our most intractable cases and it worked beyond my wildest dreams! Now, if a waiter offers them bottled water, they look at him with contempt. "I'll have fresh, if you don't mind," they say, in imitation of the couple in the ads.

Of course, the patients aren't really cured. In some cases the best you can do is teach them to imitate sane behaviour. But dozens have now been released into the community and the local supermarket has emptied hundreds of bottles of stale water down the drain.

I am, of course, completely immune to advertising myself. I am a professional. It is so satisfying to help others in my own small way. As I said to my colleague, "every little helps."

"For the journey," he agreed.