Topic posted in response to 70's Retro Nite : http://abctales.com/story/lenchenelf/70s-retro-nite
I really like this now-ancient poem that refers back to an even more ancient time...
I can't comment on it in the normal way because it dates form 2005, But I just wanted to say that it's a really well-written and clever poem about a crucial moment in human history juxtaposed with disco music.
It could maybe do with a tidy-up and a few word changes here and there, possibly...
lenchenelf | July 25, 2012 - 11:41
How very kind Archie, I'd forgotten about that doodle, it was clearly dashed off so any housekeeping hints wouldn't go amiss :-)
Best wishes xx
Blessing | July 25, 2012 - 13:15
Given how things are shaping up in the Middle East just now, perhaps not so ancient at all ...
Took a look and throwing you some thoughts to maybe play with ...
Ist stanza - while fingers on buttons
- twitched nervous, uncertain
2nd stanza - to disaffected, downtrodden
- but hips joined to murder
3rd stanza - while men in dark bunkers
- poised to (???)
- war games opponents
- cared not who'd survive
- from East or From West
- Virtual Annihilation
- another game of chess(?)
jiggling with that. Hope you don't mind my playing around with it as you invited.
lenchenelf | July 25, 2012 - 14:35
Twiddle away Blessing, I haven't thought about doing anything more with it for some time, so quite content to listen to ideas :-)
all the best
lena x
Archie_Macjoyce | July 25, 2012 - 15:19
Firstly, I'm not sure it's exactly a children's poem!...
I think the poem would benefit from a bit of structural re-shaping. The most obvious thing is that the first and third stanzas are eight lines long, and this flows really well, but the second stanza is only seven lines long, and sticks out in a clumsy fashion. I think there needs to be another line after "To a disaffected youth".
Also, "ideologically asunder" feels too clumsy to me, too many syllables that interrupt the otherwise lovely flow.
I'm not sure about the the phrase "in nervous ruse" in the first stanza. A ruse is a trick. Is it possible to trick someone nervously? Tricks are normally carried out when someone is confident that they have the advantage over the other person.
Also I'm not sure that "in nervous ruse" is actually grammatically correct. "In a nervous ruse" would sound much better grammatically, but not metrically, so all round it's a tricky line.
I'm also not sure about the last two lines of the poem. Mutual annihilation cannot guess. I think you mean the men in darkened bunkers took another guess.
These are the points where the poem falls down, but otherwise it's a very good piece with an excellent rhyme scheme and cadence. I particularly like the "burning truth" as a reference to the incendiary effects of the bombs.
I think that if you were to give this one a spring-clean then it would be a brilliant poem, and you should consider re-posting it.
lenchenelf | July 25, 2012 - 17:20
It is a children's poem though the children in question were in their teens at the time:)
The rise of rose-tinted commercial affectation for 'recent retro' themed parties inspired the acidity of the piece, in effect, life was not all happy-jolly bellbottomed glam.
It will need taking apart at some juncture, maybe to put it back almost immediately as it was, who knows.
I'm like that with furniture as well :-))
Thanks very much for your very constructive thoughts Archie, the rhythm is an issue.
I shall have a mull and muddle on it xxxx
--------------
PS: D'y'know, it's a b*gger to go back into the mindset you had when editing an old poem.
To be true to it, the second stanza needs to be different, it reflects the alternative protest movement giving rise to Punk 'Disaffected youth'
Minor ed. today :-) and ta once again x
jolono | July 25, 2012 - 19:28
Archie and Lena,
I agree it's a brilliant well thought out piece. Not sure it needs much doing to it, It's bloody good as it is!
Sometimes these things just slip through the net.
I've now read it twice. It's really good.
Archie_Macjoyce | July 26, 2012 - 09:41
I like the idea of the second verse being irregular if it refers to Punk, but at the moment it doesn't, because punks didn't "dance and groove", they jumped up and down and gobbed at people!
This is a dilemma, because if you do away with the "dance and groove" then you lose the repetition of the first line and the insistent rhyme scheme, both of which are very nice, but on the other hand if you keep it then it doesn't say very much about Punk...
Hmmm...
lenchenelf | July 26, 2012 - 10:11
Thanks Jolono, appreciated.
Archie, I can see what you are getting at, but 'they' and the 'disaffected youth' are not one and the same. Obviously not clear though.
There is a jarring quality to the break in rhythm of the second stanza. It was an experiment in complementing content with form.
Thanks again, may give it another tweak at some point :-)
I