Simon's what?

Sponge cake recipe? Comfort blanket? Verucca?

Soul?

Cat

Genital wig.

Plans to turn all of British culture into a poo-circus.

Oh, I think she's definitely seen that, Archie... on national TV...

Humility

Juggling Kitten routine...

smaller head

Clone of 1/10th the size.

...his reflection in a mirror.

...nipples, as his waistband is too high.

. . . princess dress.

Giraffe-skin hall runner.

No offence intended to anyone who's posted a comment here but I'm going to be a real stick in the mud (I can't say killjoy because the idea that anyone with half a brain cell could feel joy from guessing what Danni did or didn't see of Simon's bewilders me).
I find these promotional headlines quite the most sickening thing about the media's insatiable appetite to make mush of our intellect. Yahoo do headers all the time to goad us into clicking a button to get their popularity up and I'd love to make a few examples of their vacuous, immature, pathetic nothingness but they've gone clean out of my mind (which leads me to why these headers exist).
Headers are designed for three reasons; one, to spread the word of one commercial business by way of cheap, slanderless, sue-free celebrity innuendo, two; to promote a sense of unimportance/downright stupidity amongst the masses, and three; to stop us from questioning and thinking there's a better way of living our lives.
This allows big business to bolster their market share and helps lowlife politicians walk all over us when real news comes in.
For the record, Danni Minogue is a talentless ex-studio-singer sister to someone of real value who poses as a shining light to those who see themselves as potential future hanger-on material and Simon Cowell is the personification of everything that's wrong in the world, a boring, politically correct and therefore acceptable bully who looks down his nose at everything that puts itself in front of him.

Well said, Richard. Couldn't agree more... which is why I didn't click the link to find out! I couldn't give less of a toss if I tried.

They tell us 'We're giving the public the news they want', which has always made me laugh. It's a bit like supermarkets saying 'We're just responding to public demand'. After they've created the demand in the first place, of course, and wiped out the competition in the process.

Dannii Minogue has confessed she hasn't seen Simon Cowell's... a twat

....labotomy scars

.... tiny penis

.... impression of Frank Spencer

I don't think this is a guessing game blighters. It's more like the 'missing words' round on Have I got News For You?/Mock The Week.

Ocelot-hide iPhone cover holder case baggie.

Stan and Blighters, I remember in school some time ago we were asked the question:

'Does the media reflect the public interest, or does it create it?'

Like you guys, I think anyone choosing the former over the latter is wrong. There were plenty, PLENTY of people in the class who thought the former.

I am thankful that we were asked this question, as it was the first time I really considered this type of concept. It seems so obvious, but there are so many people who couldn't give a turd sandwich which way round it is. The brushing under the carpet of this single question is the reason we are mocked daily in a mess of primary colours and elaborate fonts.

Slayer Tattoo

I remember having a flash of insight one day, back in my sheltered country-village youth, before I'd heard about things like subliminal brainwashing techniques, social conditioning, propaganda, subtle coercion, etc. I remember thinking 'You could use a TV programme to influence the way people lived their lives and interacted with one another' (yes, I really was that naive).

And now, I walk around the streets of this town and it's like walking through the set of an Eastenders episode. Life imitating art. If 'art' is what you'd call it.

The scariest thing, a couple of years back, came up in a therapy group I was attending at the time. One of the women there was doing a social psychology course. Her lecturer had apparently taken her to task for never watching a single episode of 'Eastenders'. 'How are you supposed to gain an understanding of how ordinary people live if you don't watch it?' she was asked.

Jesus! It was then that I realised just how pervasive this disease is...

...collection of 'my little ponies'

But when I was growing up there WERE rebels and genuinely creative people working in the media.
I cherish the popular culture that I grew up with;
it WAS challenging and thought provoking. What you need is for rebels to infiltrate the media now and rock the boat.

That is funny Stan, I had to laugh out loud at that. If ever live one single day, nay fleeting moment, like a character from Eastenders, then my life is pointless and I will end it. The people who make it into these jobs make me lose a lot of faith in humanity.

How can we break free of this cycle of landfill-worthy cultural effluence? This is a serious question. There must be an answer. FTSE asks, 'what are people for?', and 'why must people work if there is nothing that needs to be done?', but I want the answer to this question. I think it will make the answers to the other two clearer. It's on my Christmas list along with Jedward's sophmore record and a subscription to Heat.

By the way theres nothing inherently wrong with Eastenders, its just that some humans can't be trusted to distinguish between it and their own lives!

I agree... trouble is (and call me a cynic... please!), their discontent would just end up getting commodified. John Lydon said 'fuck' on the BBC back when the presenters all wore brass-button blazers and cavalry twills... and now he flogs butter. Iggy Pop flogs insurance.

Marilyn Manson said it right:

'The burden of originality is one that most people don't want to accept. They'd rather sit in front of the TV and let that tell them what they're supposed to like, what they're supposed to buy, and what they're supposed to laugh at. You have Beavis and Butt-head telling you what music you're allowed to like and not like, and you've got sitcoms that have canned laughter that lets you know when to laugh if you're too stupid to know when the joke is--people are too lazy and too stupid to think for themselves because America has raised them like that.'

Not just America...

Pikeruk's suggestion of 'smaller head' tickled me, and now I can't get the image out of my skull of Simon Cowell's parasitic smaller head, which grows out of the middle of his chest like a baby Alien, about to burst forth into the world and treat the public to even tackier reality TV.

The smaller head talks what sounds like absolute sense, compared to the crap that the big head comes out with, anyway, but Simon senior gags it with gaffer tape and squashes it mercilessly between his moobs. Every now and then he grits his teeth and growls "Shut the fuck up, you third tit....."

I can feel a story coming on, which is awkward, as I'm in the middle of something completely different.