Why do middle aged men get piles?

Bless you Stormy. You are a good man.

Well he IS at least amusing, though his admission to being the cause of your piles through a mishandled withdrawal has lead to me reappraising his taste in bums.

I have not got a case of the old 'Farmer Giles' George. If I did I am sure you could be helpful.

I'm surprised to hear that Ralph. What is it that accounts for that expression you wear, if it's not a case of severe piles?

I think pregnant women get them too.

Women can get them after giving birth as well. My ex-wife freda did. They go away again and are rarely mentioned apart from on occasions like this.

I have had three kids, and have no piles... never had any. Do they hurt? I think they probably do... they look as if they do.. brrrr....

Whose piles have you been looking at Liana?

Funny you should mention this, if I ever get piles they usually go away quickly but once they hung around painfully for days and days and in the end I had to go and see the doc, most reluctantly. But I was in for a pleasant surprise; the people who'd turned up for surgery and didn't want to see a specific doctor were being handled (!) by a trainee GP, a young Asian girl with beautifully slim, tapered fingers and, as she slipped on the rubber glove, suddenly I wasn't afraid any more...

nobby stiles' missi...

Don't have piles meself but I drive a heap.

Neil - the beginning of your next erotic tail...er tale????

was the doctor similarly delighted neil?

As i said above, I don't suffer from haemorrhoids but 5 yrs ago i decided it would be wise to have a prostate check, what with being in the 'window' as they say. I rather hesitantly phoned the surgery and explained my request. 'That's fine Mr Van Win, when can you come in? Next Friday? Good' The next question completely threw me. I'd never had a prostate check before and hadn't given the mechanics any thought, just the results. 'Would you prefer a female doctor or a male doctor Mr Van Win?' I froze. Oh my god, I just realised somebody was going to don a rubber glove and give me an internal! But it's WOMEN that have to subject themselve to these indignities not us men. My mind was contemplating the ramifications of this obviously intrusive medical attention when I heard the receptionist say in a rather impatient voice, 'Well? I kinda panicked at this point and responded in what I believed was the most logical way in the circumstances. 'Oh, er, give me whoever has the smallest finger please.' There was a moments silence from the other end whilst she considered what I'd said then replied, 'That will be Dr Hilary Allen then. She's very experienced, you won't feel a thing.' 'OK, well just as long as SHE doesn't feel a thing I'll be happy.' On reflection I suppose I should have another test shortly. Hilary Allen has left the practice so I think it would be prudent to make a recconoitre of the surgery identifying the Docs with BIG hands and scratching them off the list.

Is that the answer? I hereby state, unequivocalbly, my sorrow for causing all middle aged men to have piles, especially Ralph. I had thought my withdrawal was quite gentle. Sausage sandwich? Call me X Larph