Tweet nothings (IP)

1. Jimmy could do subtraction, multiplication, division and even trigonometry held no fear for him, but addition had him totally nonplussed.

2. I was a little perturbed when she took off her clothes to reveal she was half squirrel. Could it be she was only after my nuts?

3. Rob was in the mood for a row. “Does this skirt make my bum look big?” she asks. “Love, I don’t think you can blame the skirt,” he quips.

4. Keith's annoyance turned to joy when problems with the toner cartridge led to a clandestine encounter in the stationery cupboard.

5. The clairvoyants were surprisingly disappointed to see their national conference had been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.

6. One look at the giant spider in the shower and Betty's animal rights sensibilities went out the window. As did the spider.

7. Sue mused if it would be germane to tell Tim his impression of the CEO was being watched by the man himself. In a minute, she thought.

8. Mum begged me to stay off the drugs. She wept, the sobs wracking her frail body. I held her hand. "I'll do it for you, Ma," I lied.

9. Charlie the Fighting Chicken retired undefeated and unhurt after over 300 bouts. Truly an impeccable bantamweight.

10. You called me crazy for zombie-proofing my flat. Well, look who’s screaming to be let in now? I should probably open the door. Probably.

11. Pat was annoyed that Word had autocorrected his novel but livid it had come up with a better ending.