I was murdered today. By the person who knew me the best, my soul, my best friend, my confidant. She told me to kick fucking rocks. Then she let some ASSHOLE dig a hole and bury me, alive! I can’t fucking believe it. Crazy right? Well here I am, a ghost, confiding in a complete fucking stranger, the irony. It's exactly what she did, confiding in strangers, that got me killed. Hahaha… How’s this for some fucking vulnerability? She USED ME!! Betrayed me for “love.” I've never believed in love. It's stupid. And fairytales are more like horror flicks. Who the hell wants weird critters singing to them? And I’m not Jesus trying to save everyone’s fucking soul. But, we had a connection, only she could love a heartless bitch like me, her love was unconditional and so I put her first. I had been ruthless for her, done many things I’m told I shouldn’t be proud of. But I am, I’m proud because no one could hurt her. I didn't know it would be me to hurt her the most.
When we were kids boys didn't like her. She cried a lot. But, her step-pop liked her, kissing her, touching her…God knows what else…Ugh Imagine your very first kiss, caress being your mother’s husband? She didn’t tell me anymore than that, I didn't want to know. It still makes me sick. She went sobbing to her mother because she was scared for her sisters, she caught the bastard looking at her younger sister, but she just beat the poor girl, her back full of splinters from the 2x4 she used to beat her, yelling at her it was her fault. I had to get her out of that house, and I did. I promised her I would NEVER let anyone get close enough to hurt her. So…as you can tell…I am confused…angry, hurt and confused. My only crime was that I did what I had always known to do.
And everything was just FINE…until he came along. You should have seen the way her eyes widen when she saw him or the way she would hug herself at night pretending it was him.. She was moonstruck by this idiot and had never even slept with him! But that meant more to her, she felt connected again. This man was a whore and any sane woman would have ran for her life. But no, not her…. not her with her little Beauty and the Beast complex. He wasn't a prince disguised as a beast..I mean maybe he could have been... but the last petal fell off that damn stem years ago. This is just who he is! She really thought she was different, that he could be different. I kept telling her "PEOPLE DON’T CHANGE." He got her going back to church and she started talking crazy, “Maybe I’ll be able to see my daddy in heaven?” "He told me I was a good person, how could he know that?" Ugh...We vowed to be atheist and she breaks our vow over this animal with three legs? Yeah I know, I told you I’m a bitch. Don't look at me like that, I just wanted to make sure he wasn't an asshole; but like all men, he was definitely an asshole.
She was waking up in hysterics again; crying about the nightmares, the memories, it was all coming back now. And I had worked sooo hard at making her forget. But she was calling him now, not me, and he would call her back! THAT LYING ASSHOLE WOULD CALL HER BACK!! DID HE NOT HAVE A CONSCIENCE? He wanted her to believe that he cared. And she wanted to believe him, so she threw away whatever shred of common sense she owned, which wasn't much to begin with anyway. I had never seen her this way, so comfortable with the attraction, wanting to bear her soul to a man she didn’t even know! This man who “saved her.” HOW THE FUCK DID HE DO THAT?!
I, ME, IT'S WAS ME WHO SAVED HER. “He saved me.” I wanted to vomit. Saved her from what, happiness? If God existed why the hell would he send her one of Satan’s little soldiers to destroy whatever hope in love was left.
And then, I fucked up. I told her what I KNEW would end her little fantasy. I unleashed the cruelest memories and then I laughed and told her the truth. He was an asshole who ONLY wanted to FUCK HER; he had a girlfriend. Well actually, two, that we know of, there could be more...and one was actually one of the women who had some of his children. A MESS! What did she think he could possibly want with someone as damaged as she was? As broken as he was? I'm ALWAYS right. She went ape shit; crying, calling him, texted him 1000 times (!!!) asking him why he lied to her when she had been so honest. Didn’t she have any fucking pride? And he was already upset because I cursed him out like it was my job and she would always try to fix it and he always said he understood and always came back. She TOLD ME to leave it alone, she didn’t care about his girlfriend, she just wanted him to be honest so they could be friends. Friends, as he had asked. But he was never honest, he just RAN AWAY like a total coward.
I was proud at first. I got him good this last time. Real good. I'm sure he is still tossing and turning next to whatever girl in his harem he is sleeping with today, feeling like the asshole that he totally is. It’s hard to know exactly who you are talking to over text. He didn't know he was talking to me. He didn’t know the difference between me and her; called her manipulative and crazy and to pretend that he never existed, it split her heart into two. I swear there was blood everywhere, blood gushing from her eyes. And then I found her, and she came after me, her rage was uncontrollable and she did the same to me as I had done to him… She got rid of me.
She let her feelings rip my eyes out. She would have let him go for my heart, but I don't have one. All I had were eyes. I saw everything. Even dead, I see everything. Love destroyed us. She didn’t want me anymore. She wasn’t afraid. He made her believe in love and the goodness of people, even if they had mistakes. "When you care about someone, you have to let them learn from their mistakes" she would say. She wanted to believe that people could change and she was NOT going to let me take that away from her. She wasn't like me at all. I didn’t want to be hurt again and NOW I'm the one who's scared. She absorbed all of my courage. And now I look back and I'm confused...hurt, angry and confused. What if he did care?
What if it's my fault she will never know? He should have realized... given her the chance to explain...been honest. He was a douche bag for sure but, maybe, he wasn't all bad. I mean she did like him. She never really liked anyone else before. What if I was wrong? I just didn't want her to be hurt. I was trying to protect her. Protect me. Me, her what's the difference... I'm heads and she's tails... two faces of the same fucking coin, the same fucking person. But now that I'm dead and buried....maybe, just maybe, she has the courage not to push people away or maybe, more likely, we made a mistake and killed the wrong bitch.