Help Save the Mentally Healthy

Help save the mentally healthy!
Spare some change for the non-deranged bluffers
neatly arranged and suffering,
oblivious to danger,
in their office shoes and shirts
ignoring their bruised and hurt hearts because
society told them to, because
propriety rolled them into
blinkered balls of “I’m safe here
behind the bunker walls where I can’t taste fear
behind my mortgage and career
and one point six children.”

Help save the mentally healthy
from the sickness that filled them
with enough worry to hurry to procreate but not
about Europe’s nosediving birthrate
and the soon-arriving obliteration
of Western civilisation,
about disoccidentation,
about Dresden and Grimsby tossed into history,
because “everything’s going to be peachy”.

Help save the mentally healthy
with their preachy and glib advice
about how we should just be nice
to ice-hearted shysters who slice us
into cut-price fudge without thinking twice
and not bear a grudge against those who won’t budge
from judging us to be lower than sludge because we
stand up for ourselves,
because we slash back with passion and anger
and don't slouch in languor under servile spells.

Help save the mentally healthy
with their inability to consider
why some people's spirits are broken
and some people's pints of bitterness are spilling
because instead they've got an income tax form to fill in,
which is a genuine problem.

Help save the mentally healthy
with their failures to see
that there's only plenty of fish in the sea
if you swim with the tide,
spouting deluded quickly-concluded notions
that the earth is a surfable ocean
of perfectly-comprehensible
sensible
sense
like “Of course Nine-Eleven wasn’t an inside job
you intellectual slob, don’t submit
to the mob of crackpot nut-jobs,
our governments are here to protect us
and they respect us, obviously, because
blah blah blah democracy blah blah blah.”

Help save the mentally healthy
with their repetitive obsessive objectives
to fit in,
by hook or by crook
to fit into the narrowest nook
and do
everything
by the book.

And the book says
Mentally Healthy Personality Disorder, or MHPD, is a delusional mental illness affecting around eighty per cent of the general population. The list of criteria that must be met for diagnosis, as outlined by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, is as follows:

One. An exaggerated sense of one’s own normality, well-adjustment and propriety.

Two. Black and white thinking and a belief in simple solutions to complex problems.

Three. Excessive use of phrases such as “Just get over it” and “Why don’t you just do this?”

Four. A complete inability to comprehend disaster.

Five. A complete inability and unwillingness to think outside the narrow confines of what fashionable society finds acceptable and follow one’s human intuition and nature instead.

Help save the mentally healthy!
Just five pounds a month
can buy a bunch of egg-whisks
for them to whack themselves over the head with
to help them understand the futility of life,
that comes attached to a Swiss Navy utility knife
they can plunge into their heart
to remind them that it exists.