How to Mummify Your Heart

First, you must plant your feet in the ground, and draw
Up water by capillary action until your toes go pruny
(this shrivelling is essential – it’s part of the magic).

Then take a deep breathe and hold it. Stay as still as Saint
Kevin until you have sucked in all the CO2, then breathe out
The nitrogen and oxygen. You may find it easier

To whittle out the unwanted air by whistling
As you exhale. Step three is to wait for some bright
Sunshine. Savour its warmth on your skin. Your eyes

Will turn green. Keep them open, and stare into the sun.
Now you are photosynthesising. You’ll feel a tingle
In your bloodstream – try not to panic, ladies and gentlemen,

This is perfectly normal. When you have photosynthesised enough
To have built up some stores of waste products,
Set aside your resins and gums.

Now, here’s one I made earlier. Watch as I unscrew my ribs
And open up from the sternum; you will see a hard and woody
Centre. It’s dead wood. As I have expanded

My core has died. But so that I do not become
All hollow on the inside I plug
My frail veins with the resins and gums. This we call

Tylosis. When you’ve practiced, this will come
As easily as transpiration, as quick as osmosis.
But for now, concentrate really hard. Be aware

Of your spinal column, your veins, your aorta.
This should feel almost like a meditation. Imagine
The waste resins and gums pumping through your bloodstream.

Direct them to your heart. Don’t get confused between
The pulmonary vein and artery, they’re not the same
As your other tubes. Madam, there on the left –

I see that you are getting there. Watch the colour leaving her face,
Her expression blankening. Very good, very good. Now
Open up your ribs – that’s it – let’s check.

Your xylem is as hard as concrete, madam.
Keep trying everyone else – if you want to mummify your heart
Perseverance is key. Look at madam here. There’s a breezeblock in her chest. Excellent!