I can't think what was worse,
the deafening silence,
hesitant eyes. Disbelief.
The whole room paused -
watched it's own history.
Religion turns over
slipping from one extreme straight
into the praying hands of another.
Or the fact that whilst she uttered a prayer
she was crying, her tears blurring
the ink on the photograph of her child
accepting she'd not see him again.
Prayer
Published by Beeme on July 3, 2011 - 12:25
Comments
skinner_jennifer | July 3, 2011 - 13:22
Hi Beeme,
such a sad poem of loss, but very well written.
Jenny.
Beeme | July 3, 2011 - 13:45
awwh thank you I know it's sad and it's true, here's a link to the documentary. http://www.channel4.com/programmes/terror-in-moscow/4od Thank you for reading and commenting )
Beeme xx
awsamy | July 3, 2011 - 13:48
Beauifully sad poem :( but i like the way its written :)
maisie | July 3, 2011 - 13:49
"The whole room, pausing,
watching its own history.
Religion turning over..."
could be
"The whole room paused -
watched it's own history.
Religion turns over ...."
too many ings spoil a poem! They take away the immediateness of the action portrayed.
Beeme | July 3, 2011 - 13:50
Thank you Amy :) xx
Beeme | July 3, 2011 - 13:54
yeah I see what you mean maisie, thank you! Sounds alot better now :)
Beeme xx
SundaysChild | July 3, 2011 - 14:13
Thought provoking Beeme. Well done.
maisie | July 3, 2011 - 15:12
yeah Beeme - I don't think you've finished yet, with losing ings... because now you've got a part of your poem right in your face n the rest is in the past... HINT: lose a few more by yourself :)
:) :) I had a hard time with this :)
seashore | July 3, 2011 - 19:37
Don't agree - I think it's just fine the way it is Beeme. Well done.
fatboy74 | July 4, 2011 - 00:21
Pretty powerful stuff Beeme which I think works really well and I sort of get what Maisie is saying but I don't think it's an all or nothing thing, but of course it's a good idea to check you're not overdoing it which maybe you were - I think it works well now, with a break from the ings and then back to them. I'm no grammarian but I don't think you can get more immediate than a present participle. Ewan or Helvigo among others would know for sure. ATB Fatboy :-)
Beeme | July 4, 2011 - 08:29
aha, now I'm really confused if I need to loose any more. But I quite like it how it is, I'm glad you enjoyed :)
Beeme xx
Cavalcaderl | July 7, 2011 - 20:19
new Beeme
Hi! I like this poem, short,
well explained, sad all in a few stanzas.
But complete. I must read the docummentary too.
I know if alter mine too much,confuses me,sometimes the first time of doing one better,
than keep altering it, well to me anyway.
All the best with the comp: entry
Good day at Eastbourne, free on the train, sunny till 5pm downpour, reaching Brighton, so wore my sun-hat stop getting wet, no coats we had..
julie xx
Nathan Bednarek | July 29, 2011 - 16:36
It is sad and unfair... no matter who it happens to.
A beautiful poem.
Well done.
Nathan x