MIDDLE AGE BLUES
Too old to be young
Too young to be old
Too old for Armani
Too young for a cardie
Too old for flash trainers
Too young for carpet slippers
Too old to work
Too young to retire
Too old to be cool
Too young to be wise
Too old to dare
Too young to care
Too old to mention
To young for a pension
Too old to be a lager lout
Too young to be a saga lout
POINT OF VIEW
I look at her and in my mind
She is naked
Her great round breasts
Nipples like organ stops
Her lush bush
Then I see her bending
Straight legged
Her lips in full view
I kneel and with my tongue
Part her curtains
Tasting her juice
Then she is on all fours
My cock deep in her
Her buttocks slapping against my belly
My hands cupping her breasts
Then I am back
This is no way to look at my mother in law
COCKNEY COURTING
A Very Nice Boat Race
Barnet Fair Blonde
And Army And Navy
Great Long Ham And Eggs
Right Up To Her Blade Of Grass
Firm Flat New Delhi
And Big Threepenny Bits
The Knowing Look In Her Mince Pies
Stirs My Hampton Wick
We Head Up The Apples And Pears
To The My Uncle Ned
I Remove Her Early Doors
To Cop A Butchers Hook
At Her Jack And Danny
Then Get Her On Her Biscuits And Cheese
Taking Her From The Hammer And Tack
For A Quick Donald Duck
ACROSS THE VOID OF SPACE
Across the void of space
The alien race from Danubiah
Came only to destroy us
The human race they call Terravian’s
These Huge Terrifying creatures
Slimy with dripping talons
And the sole reason they came
With only vile and evil intent
The reason we had to fight them
In the mud and the blood and the fear
Because our emissary of peace
Our ambassador of understanding
Voyager one had entered
The Transdanubian space way
BLOWN AWAY
Women differ in many ways
From an inflatable counterpart
Inflatables don’t answer back
Or take an age to get ready for a start
But the thing they have in common
Which will make you frown
Neither of them are any fun at all
When you’ve let them down
WORKING WOMEN
WPC’S wearing stout shoes
Solicitors dressed in dark hues
Traffic wardens with attitude
Merry widows with gratitude
Highflying executives power suited
Farming lass’s Wellington booted
Essex girls in white stilettos
Shop assistants with painted toes
Cleaners and cooks in coloured tabards
Casino croupiers dealing cards
Any of the above I’m pleased to say
Will help to pass a wet day away
DO’S AND DON’TS
When you find a woman
Collapsed upon the floor
DO loosen her clothing
But only about her neck or waist
DON’T remover her under garments
DO check her pulse
At the wrist or neck
DON’T go straight for her groin
DO check for a heartbeat
This can be done by listening
If no pulse or heartbeat is present
DO perform CPR
This does NOT involve squeezing her breasts
If necessary DO give mouth to mouth
DO ensure airway is clear
DON’T use your tongue
If CPR has been successful
DO Place her in the recovery position
DON’T put her head in your lap
Especially NOT face down
WOKING
Woking so wants a claim to fame
So tenuous links to the famous they list
On the official Woking web site
Such as Adelina de Lara, Concert pianist
The Spice Girls and George Bernard Shaw
Queen Elizabeth I and Lady Hamilton
Paul Weller, Peter Gabriel, Rick Parfitt
Peter Davison, The Jam and Eric Clapton
Sir Alec and Eric Bedser the Cricketing twins
These and many more appear for their sins
H.G. Wells is a particular favourite
With several places in town with his name on
But when he wrote “war of the worlds”
He had the Martian land on Horsell common
Because sadly while in the town he hated it so
He made sure that Woking was the first place to go
DARWINS DESIGN
There is, today, a fierce debate
Well in America at any rate
Darwinism is again causing friction
Some claim his work to be a fiction
And his “Origin of the Species”
Is likened to a pile of fetid faeces
Fossil evidence has caused the strife
Showing Random explosions of life
Evolution was not a gradual change
Thoughts we now must rearrange
Its not at all as Charles Darwin said
But Intelligent Design instead
GREAT BODYWORK
My wife caught me looking
At a lovely young woman today
A gorgeous young slip of a thing
And I did get an earful? I’ll say
So I replied to her calm, as you like
“I can admire a shiny car on display
But it doesn’t mean that I intend
To get in it and drive it away”
faith
PLUMBING TIPS
Plumbing holds no secrets
If you follow these tips
Male always fits into female
Even the new push fits
To do it up or turn it on
Righty, Tighty is the way
And to undo or turn off
Its lefty Loosie. OK?
SCOUT ABOUT
What became of
“Brussel Sprouts”
Also know as
Good boy scouts
Dib, Dib, Dib
Dob, Dob, Dob
Eagerly helping
Doing bob a job
Ging Gang Gooley
And Kum Ba Ya
Traditional singing
Around the camp fire
What became of
Good boy scouts
There still out there
I have no doubt
But they’re not doing
Bob a job’s
They are behaving
Like yobs
And instead of helping
Like they oughta
They’re in the scout hut
Doing your daughter
PET LOVER
The Brits love pets
Some even have a few
The man on the street
And celebrities too
And even Julian Clary
Has a Cockatoo
BROLLEY POLICY
All the most sensible ladies and fellas
Will always make sure they have four umbrellas
The first of course because they leave it at home always
The second one they leave at the office on rainy days
Then the third one because they leave it on the train
And of course the fourth is to start the cycle again
THE BARBER OF CIVIL
My barber reliably informs me
There is no bald spot up there
He says I am not going thin on top
I’m just growing through my hair
BENEATH THE STRIPY POLE
I don’t like hair stylists
Or unisex hairdressers
Salons with Women in smocks
Streaking and creating coiffures
When the time is right for me
I go to an old fashioned Barbers
