MAKING YOUR HAIR CURL
Why is it that toasters
Always have a setting
That burns the toast
And therefore blackening
To a horrible crisp
And is unfit for eating?
SENSUAL FRUIT
It makes me uncomfortable
Like a bad melodrama
I never know where to look
When a girl is eating a banana.
GINSTER QUERY
I saw a large woman wearing
A sweatshirt, it was a tight fit
With the word 'Guess' printed on it
I paused for a moment
Casting a long gaze with my eyes
Then I said too many pies?
SOUP QUESTION
Here is a question
For a Politically Correct group
Do illiterate people get the benefit
Of Alphabet Soup?
SO TRUE
Why is it tell me do
That Tea tastes better
From a china cup
Beer tastes better
From a glass
Chips taste better
From the paper
And Triangular sandwiches taste better
Than ones cut into squares
POPCORN
Men are like Popcorn
If I’m not wrong
They satisfy you
But not for very long
EATING TRASH
I thought selling sand to Arabs
Really took the biscuit
Or even selling the very latest
Ice cube maker to the Inuit
But I’ve just paid in a restaurant
For the contents of their bins
We had spare ribs chicken wings
And of course potato skins
SWEET MAN
Men are like Chocolate
Sweet and smooth on your lips
Only minutes before
Heading straight for your hips
WMD
The weapons of mass destruction
Have been with us for many years
Weapons of such devastation
They’re beyond your darkest fears
After years of fruitless search
Discovery’s still not on the brink
So why look in the deserts of Iraq
They’re much closer than you think
An old woman of my acquaintance
Makes them in a flat in Basingstoke
Such foul diabolical substances
And concoctions to make you choke
Among the many illegal weapons
That terrorists are now sampling
The most dangerous in her arsenal
Is the evil bacon and onion dumpling
Such an innocent recipe you think
But so dangerous it has been proved
Even the most sophisticated oven
Sighs in relief as the dish is removed
As if this were not deadly enough
Special bran gravy is served with it
To compliment the steaming dumpling
While keeping the victims bowels fit
After its consumption you sit dazed
Semi conscious and bloated vastly
Can weapons of mass destruction
Ever possibly be quite this ghastly
THAT’S BANANAS
Men are like Bananas
Oh yes they are
Because the older they get
The less firm they are
MEAL DEAL
The kids have a happy meal
When we go to McDonalds
Why don’t they extend the range?
To meet demands at Ronald’s
As we’re not always happy
Hysterical or even jolly
What about manic-depressives
And the sad and the melancholy
Instead of a plastic toy
Perhaps a more practical addition
With every melancholy meal
A pot of Valium or Mogadon
SENNA MAN
Men are like Laxatives
For women it’s true
Because they irritate
The crap out of you
CATERING FOR EVERYONE
The funeral directors
Have an annual dinner dance
You should go some time
If you get the chance
The foods not up to much
Considering it cost a packet
The strangest dish however
Is “Chicken in a Casket”
