HOSTILE WITNESS
"You appear to have more than
Average intelligence for a man
Of your background and career
The Lawyer spoke with a sneer
To the poor witness on the stand
Who was unhappy you understand
"If I wasn't under oath, said the gent
"I'd certainly return the compliment"
I WONT LET IT CHANGE MY LIFE
It will surely change my life
On the day I win the lottery
People who say it will not are
People of whom to be wary
It will surely change my life
On the day I chose to pick it
If it doesn't change your life
Why bother buying a ticket
NOTHING TO LOSE
Here's the rub and im not bluffing
I started out in life with nothing,
And after several years of shit
I can say I still have most of it
DON'T QUOTE ME
Remember Misquotations are
The only quotations thus far
And it should be duly noted
That are never ever misquoted
DISTRESSED
Life can really leave you in a mess
So here are two steps to handle stress
1. Don't worry about the small stuff
2. Remember that it's all small stuff
FIGHT YOUR CORNER
I think I would always advocate
That anything worth fighting for
Anything of importance at any rate
Is certainly worth fighting dirty for
I WANT IT ALL
You can't have everything
That's true enough I'd say
And if you did have everything
Where would you put it anyway?
RHETORICAL EYE RESTING
There is a rhetorical question
That gives me indigestion
Why is it when we're dog tired chaps
We take what are called catnaps?
DON'T LET YOUR CONSCIENCE BE YOUR GUIDE
In my long experience of a life lived well
And its in Self indulgence in what I excel
A conscience is the thing that hurts you so
When everything else feels good you know
AT YOUR CONVENIENCE
Beware the Cross-eyed man in the gents
Because if he Looks at the left hand urinal
He will urinate in the center one instead
And then he'll flush the right hand stall
NOSEGAY
A young woman stood waiting to meet
She stood six foot tall in stocking feet
Two midgets arrive standing to her right
Or should I say men of restricted height
After a while one turned and spoke to her
"Excuse me miss can we smell your beaver?
"No you cant you dirty disgusting little men
"Oh ok it must be your feet that stink then
HAPPY AS A PIG
I don't wish to appear a prig
But never wrestle with a pig
Don't even do it for a bet
This you should not forget
You'll both be covered in shit
And the pig really likes it
I NAME THIS CHILD
A new addition to the family
Well no not one but twins
What will they name them?
God only knows for his sins
They won't be traditional ones
Names like Howard and Hilda
But something unpredictable
Like Distemper and Chlamydia
WHY WHY WHY?
A girl goes to the doctor in some distress
What's the problem or do I have to guess?
I keep singing the green, green grass of home
That sounds to me like Tom Jones syndrome
Is it very common to sing the songs of a star?
Well "it's not unusual" to tell the truth Delilah
