MANY A SLIP
I don't drink too much
Maybe a glass when I dine
But I don't drink much
Because I spill most of mine
GO RYAN
Flying no frills airlines on the cheap
With no food served or space to sleep
Seats crammed in for them to capitalize
The seats only catering for average size
No in flight film or any entertainment
Very cheap but hardly money well spent
Air conditioning switched off to save cash
At best you're like animals at worst trash
Poor service and your fed Recycled air
And no room in your uncomfortable chair
You must fight your way to have a pee
And you disembark with cramp or DVT
Well done to all of the inverted snobs
Who envied those with cash or better jobs
You have lowered the standards for us all
Bargain airlines now fly long and short haul
KEEPING ABREAST
There's nothing quite so disconcerting
When you're with a girl in a cafe flirting
Than for a mother and child to occupy
Your table and you hear the baby cry
As if the wailing is not enough to bare
Mother flops a breast out right there
Babies cry replaced by a sucking sound
Causing diners heads to turn around
When she stops and removes the sprog
We are at first relieved and then agog
Her breast, round and smooth like silk
Is still out the red nipple dripping milk
After the baby had been winded a bit
She then attached it to her other tit
The young girl I was chatting up and I
Could not get away though we did try
This was repeated one or twice more
Before we could escape to the door
We were trapped inside our cubicle
And forced to watch this spectacle
Dispute what we'd been forced to see
The girl agreed to go out with me
Our relationship was at its inception
We remembered to use contraception
CARRY ON NURSE
I've been going out with this nurse
And you know what they say about them
I think it must be an old wives tale
Because I cant get my hand past her hem
I haven't had my tongue in her throat
And I can't even get my hand up her jumper
I'm never ever going to give her one
So I think I'm going to have to dump her
And that's a bit of a shame really
Because her figure is really quite super
She must work in the private sector
Because she definitely wont let me BUPA
I NAME THIS CHILD
A new addition to the family
Well no not one but twins
What will they name them?
God only knows for his sins
They won't be traditional ones
Names like Howard and Hilda
But something unpredictable
Like Distemper and Chlamydia
SOUNDS LIKE
What I think is quite ironic
Is that the word phonetic?
Why on consistency grounds?
Isn't it spelt the way it sounds?
COMPUTER SPOUSE
My husband is like
A computer unfortunately
He's out of date
And hasn't got enough memory
COOL SPOUSE
My husband is like a cool box
If filled with beer
I can manage to take him
Almost anywhere
HOROSCOPE HUBBY
My husband is like
Those horoscopes you can get
He tells me what to do
And he's never been right yet
DOES MY BUM LOOK BIG IN THIS?
Does my bum look big in this?
Well is the answer no or yes
Actually you have a big bum
So stop blaming it on the dress
SO NOT ATTRACTIVE
I like to see women in a tailored suit
And black tights on nurses make me glad
Uniformed in any kind of military garb
Schoolgirls dressed in skirts of plaid
Even traffic wardens have great appeal
And police woman in white and blue
An air hostess wearing a ridiculous hat
And I love to see a ballerina in a tutu
These outfits all add to the attraction
Of women as a general rule of thumb
But seeing thongs above their hipsters
Is the female equivalent of builder's bum
WISE TOM
Knowledge is to know
That the common tomato
Is actually a fruit
And that's quite astute
While wisdom is however
Using knowledge to be clever
And not you will be glad
Putting Tom's in a fruit salad
BEFORE
Before I met my husband
I'd never been in love
Although on reflection
I'd stepped in it on occasion
DEFINITELY TONGUES
What do they call French kissing?
In France that's the bit I'm missing
Do the French just call it kissing?
HOLY COW
Who was the first person?
Maybe a man maybe a woman
To stand in a field one day
And look at a cow and say
"I'll give them a squeeze
The dangly things, these
And then without a doubt
I'll drink whatever comes outĀ
UPPING
Despite almost constant warning
I bet from times early dawning
That no man has ever met anyone
Who's had an arm broken by a swan
