BATHROOM FUN
In the bathroom in my house
Watching my wife is a farce
She can't brush here teeth
Without wiggling her arse
BAD SCHOOL DAY
When I was at school
When I was just a lad
What was embarrassing
And made me very sad
Was the day I called
The history teacher dad
I DID
Marriages between celebrities
And people of that ilk
Are considered to be a success
If they out last milk
THE ONE
It's so great to find that one
Special person to make your wife
Marrying them so you can
Annoy them for the rest of their life
THE VOICE
And out of the chaos, a voice did converse
"Smile and be happy, for it can always be worse"
And I smiled, and I was happy, and it did get worse
SHOT IN THE BACK - SIDE
It was in the buttock apparently
That a footballer has been shot
Although from the papers you may
Believe it or believe it not
As this was the way of reporting
The event that they preferred
"Adjacent to the players tunnel
An explosive incident occurredÂ
IT'S A MAD WORLD
It takes neurotics
To build castles in the air
But it takes psychotics
To live in them there
ANSWER THIS TOMMY
The Teacher asks one of the class clowns
"Can you give me three collective nouns?"
Tommy replies in keeping with his demeanour
"Flypaper, wastebasket, and vacuum cleaner"
I DID
There was a man who muttered a few words
In church and found himself wed
A year later he muttered something in his sleep
And found himself divorced instead
FOLLOW THAT MAN
Many years ago when
One hundred white men
Chased a single black man
It would have been the Klan
However we can be sure
Today it's just the PGA tour
HI'S AND LO'S
There was a tight rope walker
On a high wire in Sydney harbor
While in London was another man
Being blown by an octogenarian
The men a thousand miles apart
Nearer the end than to the start
Have the same thought suddenly
Occurring to them simultaneously
There seems to be no comparing
Oral sex and tight rope walking
So what makes both men frown?
Well the thought of looking down
SAVED
The Salvation Army tries to perform
The thankless task of social reform
Treading the weary path to glory
Saving poor girls from Iniquity
If they are saving fallen women
I've just one thing to say then
When saving girls from Iniquity
Save the red headed one for me
IT'S THAT TIME AGAIN
I have often read about
Many women complaining
About that strange
Premenstual Syndrome thing
Not my wife though
Not that I've heard anyway
It's the only time of month
She can be herself she'd say
I SWEAR
You never really learn
To swear or cuss
Until you learn to drive
A car or bus
RICH BITCH
This life can really be an awful bitch
Which is why I would rather be rich
There are Some people who get so rich
People who find themselves so wealthy
That they lose all respect for humanity
And that's just how rich I want to be.
AT YOUR CONVENIENCE
Beware the Cross-eyed man in the gents
Because if he Looks at the left hand urinal
He will urinate in the center one instead
And then he'll flush the right hand stall
