CHANGE YOUR WAYS
My big brother Jonathon was told
When he was forty-one years old
That he must change in every way
And take some exercise every day
He was warned he had to change
And his priorities he must rearrange
He took the warning right to heart
And A.S.A.P. was the time to start
He vowed to change in every way
And began walking five miles a day
That was more than ten years ago
Where is he now? We don't know
WHAT?
I had a shock today
I thought I'd gone deaf
Because I couldn't hear
My dear wife Steph
But it's all right though
I can now rejoice
Because Stephanie, my wife
Just lost her voice
WIND
Now trapped wind can be
A problem apparently
A thing to overcome
And a real worry to some
While not endangering
It does cause suffering
But keep it in they ought
Despite any discomfort
As its when they get leaky
That really concerns me
YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLD
You know you're getting old when I bet
You have too much room in the Maisonette
And not enough in the bathroom cabinet
FIRST IMPRESSIONS
You never get a second chance
To make a first impression I say
Well there's a bloke at work
I've disliked from his first day
Firstly he has the type of face
You would never tire of slapping
And if he was to drop down dead
I would stand there clapping
Repeatedly slapping his silly face
Is simply my one and only desire
And I wouldn't even piss on him
If I was to find he was on fire
GIVE UP
If the police have you cornered
There's no way out, you're in a fix
Then sit tight, await instructions
"Give up and come out ' no tricks
Don't try to shoot your way out
Like the bad guys against Tom Mix
Its better to be judged by twelve
Than to be carried out by six
GOOD AFTERBULE CONSTERNOON
You were stopped late one Saturday night
Because of a defective breaking light
Through the window "good morning ocifer
To the constable you just manage to slur
With a shake of his head and a finger wag
"Step out of the car sir and blow into the bag
"Three times over the limit positive that's plain
"I'm sorry ocifer pleesh allow me to exshplain
"I couldn't call a Taxi coz it was dickipult to talk
So I had to drive coz I was too drunk to walk
RESTLESS NIGHT
In error I booked in to a cheap hotel
Frequented by very odd clientele
You could tell that it wasn't great
The room even had an hourly rate
I had not expected a peaceful night
Within an hour I was proven right
Through paper-thin walls it comes
A steady rhythm like beating drums
The rhythm growing more intensely
Then passions are expressed vocally
Then came the squeaking of springs
An almost orchestral feel it brings
Grunts and groans they both express
Then in soprano she adds yes, oh yes,
Then the crescendo and then no more
Well for ten minutes until the encore
Later I wished after due consideration
That he'd not asked the same question
CAST OFF'S
You know this brings a lump to my throat
My wife has thrown out my favorite coat
She did the same with trousers and slacks
Scuffed trainers with squashed down backs
Baggy knitted jumpers and old faded jeans
Joggers with patches and oft repaired seems
When will she learn what she does is a sin
Because they're not worn out just worn in
PASSION SPENT
After over twenty five years together
Through both foul and sunny weather
Sex doesn't seem the same anymore
The flame has gone out that's for sure
Love making used to be spontaneous
Now we have to achieve a concensus
And the earth doesn't move anymore
Even moving the headboard's a chore
Then we were young eager and supple
Now we are a more sedentary couple
Then we spent most of our time in bed
Now we have a nice cup of tea instead
HIM AND I
The TV and radio airways are now awash
With colloquial accents, no longer posh
Scouse and Geordie slang pervade the ears
And Brummie talk will bring a man to tears
Welsh and Scottish tones dispense the news
Guttural pronouncements from their shoes
The new name for this invasion of your home
Known as I.V.S. or irritable vowel syndrome
ACTION
My younger sister reckons she's an actress
She's not a very good one I should stress
And her type of films tend to have no plot
Mum says she's in Hollywood doing a pilot
Well that's apparently my little sister's claim
Knowing Sis as I do I'd like to ask his name
BITTER PILL
It is pride that comes before my falls
When I'm in the room with padded walls
I can concur without any hesitation
Pride stopped me taking my medication
In a canvas coat with straps of leather
And buckles of steel in which to tether
To restrain safely the nurse believes
To put arms in the wrap around sleeves
So sat in my padded room rocking gently
In a state of calm reflection incidentally
And the subject of my quiet reflection
Pride stopping me taking my medication
HE'S A NUTTER
My dad told me that I'm daft
So I just hysterically laughed
I think then I must be going mad
Not really a lot, no just a tad
I must be going a little potty
Even eccentric or maybe dotty
When doctors act all smarmy
They really think I'm barmy
Sometimes things are a bit hazy
Obviously I'm just going crazy
Now I tell you I'm not larking
Honestly I'm just plain barking
What I'm called doesn't matter
I'm still just mad as a hatter
When I say out loud that I'm nuts
I know the trick cyclist tuts
Now according to Siggy Freud
I'm really just being paranoid
But that doesn't mean you see
That they're not out to get me
And you're never alone ha ha ha
With paranoid schizophrenia
