A LITTLE OFF THE TOP
On my last visit to the hair dresser
I was asked “Something for the weekend sir”?
Well I was taken aback without a doubt
I replied “Do you have any tiling grout”?
OLD MADAM
I was confronted by my mother-in-law
And as I fell under her icy stare
I asked “Shouldn’t you be knitting
Under a guillotine somewhere?”
ODE TO TINA
I love my wife
The silly old bag
She’s not a bad cook
And quite a good shag
WITLESS
If it’s a battle of wits
You’re going to engage in
Make sure you’re properly armed
Before you begin
SAVIORS
When soldiers stand neath flags unfurled
Before going to war to do the biz
Be sure before they’re sent to save the world
They re happy with the world the way it is
ONE BORN EVERY DAY
To make something foolproof
Is an impossibility
Because fools never fail to show
Such ingenuity
NATURE OR NURTURE
Was it Nature?
Or is it nurture
I was bought up on an estate
And I turned out all right at any rate
But my estate was not council run
And covered half the shire of Huntingdon
WATCH THE TIME
A man with one good watch
Always knows the time of day
But a man with two watches
Is never sure what time to say
TOUGH LOVE AGAIN
In relation to a woman
And I know this is tough
No matter how much you do
You will never do enough
POLLSTER
There was a female guest
On TV today
She said she’d done a poll
Which one she didn’t say
But by the look of her
She done most of Europe anyway
I SURRENDER
In the battle of the sexes
No one will achieve supremacy
There is just too much
Fraternizing with the enemy
TESTING
I awake to hear
The tell tale clink
Of a Pyrex jug
Hitting the bathroom sink
The tell tale sound
Of Pyrex on porcelain
Means only one thing
She’s pregnant again
RHYME AND PUNISHMENT
I like to write an ode or rhyme
It’s a fun way to pass the time
After many years of composition
I have come to this conclusion
The hardest part of the whole process
And the least enjoyable I must confess
Unless of course you pay a mint
Is to get the bloody stuff in print
WIND BREAKER
When women break wind
The smell isn’t offensive to noses
Their farts smell more, they claim
Of lavender or roses
LOOKING PUZZLED
I am puzzled most
By things that don’t fit
Such as “if all is not lost”
Then where the hell is it
