Jealousy – I’ve no time for it…Well, perhaps just a little! I P
There is this chap I know. Right good writer he is…really pisses me off! I like to have a go at writing and thought I was doing okay but this blessed bloke gets all the plaudits and the worst of it is they are well deserved. He keeps getting cherries; that’s something that, on this site, a writer gets if they submit a story that the editors think is particularly good. Well this blinking bloke could set up a greengrocer’s stall with the amount of fruit he is getting…well in excess of his five a day. So I think to myself how can I knobble him? How can I keep him away from his blessed computer or better still make his cherries taste sour? Yes, that would be sweet, that would. I’d get a lot of pleasure out of that. I will have to plan his undoing quite carefully though and the first thing I think that might help towards that end would be if I could come up with the required plan! Not such an easy thing to do when I am, literary speaking, bankrupt.
But no, I’ve thought of just the very thing. I will pretend to be his friend…Praise his work to the rafters and then gradually undermine him by saying “Oh, I think in line three of the fourth stanza you’ve got a typo.” That should keep him busy looking for the blinking thing…one can’t type while trying to proof-read. Then I could follow that up with “Oh, I did enjoy that last story you posted if only you hadn’t mixed up the tenses.” That should make sure I’ve got him well and truly by his past participles! Then lull him into a false sense of security by saying something like “I don’t feel qualified to comment on your work except that with you being such a good writer I feel I should just point out that that story has been done to death on this site already. However, I feel sure someone with your talent will be able to put a fresh spin on such a drab and uninteresting story and you might even be lucky enough to get a comment or two…” Shakespeare’s Iago…I spit on him!
Then the next thing to do is to get him to ask for comments from specific writers. Obviously I will point him towards the worst writers on the site so the likelihood is that they won’t appreciate the quality of his work and will pull it to pieces which will make me look really generous with my comments. This should all go towards making him reluctant to switch his damn computer on and stop him from getting what I see as my share of the cherries. The Bastard! It’s one thing being a Bastard, I could forgive him for that, well, otherwise it’s a case of kettle and pot, but it’s beyond the pale being a literary bastard! In fact it’s a f*****g liberty!
I’m not a person with a jealous disposition by nature, as you’ve probably already guessed, but even I have my limits and this cocky little sod’s got to be brought down a peg. Who does he think he is? Writing bloody good stories and doing me out of cherries. If I can’t turn him away from writing then the only alternative is to have him assassinated which, in the circumstances, I don’t think can be seen as an over reaction. In fact, I think I am being more than reasonable by using what, for me, are quite subtle methods such as undermining his writing abilities as my opening gambit. I could have gone straight for assassination but am I being over generous giving him a fighting chance which is something I might just regret if he gets any more of those damned cherries?
And now, you’ll never guess what? I’ve written myself into a corner and I can’t think of a naffing way out. F***k! F***k! F***k! Yes, interject with a fine crop of expletives that should buy me some time while I come up with something truly original. Do you know that blessed man has robbed me of all my literary ability in the plot department. At this moment in time I’m completely plot less. But whatever, the thing to do in a situation like this is to keep writing otherwise he will steal a march on you and once again rob you of your cherries. Although thinking about it…it’s been some considerable while since a cherry was lost. Oh, now I’m getting confused with another situation entirely. See, this is what the wretch has brought me to. I’m getting confused between cherry and cherries. I don’t think it’s possible to lose a cherry, singular, more than once, is it? But cherries, on the other hand, being plural, if you’ll pardon the expression, now they can be lost more than once if I understand the situation correctly, which I believe I have to the extent that I find myself fully acquainted and congruent as well as cognizant with my surmised appraisal of the situation that seems to fit the bill with this particular predicament. That’s another good way of writing oneself out of a corner. Make it sound like one is well educated by the use of long words and purple prose. Is that the same as blue language just deeper in colour, do you think? Throw in a few mentions of hyperbole and even the odd litotes and that will be sure to buy some more time while he tries to figure out what the hell I’m talking about.
It will also buy me some time while I try to figure out what the hell I’m talking about.
Acronyms! Yes, one can’t have enough acronyms, such as…as…CRAFT (CAN’T REMEMBER A F*****G THING) dot them about liberally, nay, profusely. Two or three won’t be enough. And then synonyms now they can be very useful to add to the mix in order to create confusion. Yes, I seem to have been quite successful with that particular ploy as I am now totally confused. What else can I do to keep him for writing good stuff? Try writing it myself, did you say? Would that I could but I am quite spent as far as writing is concerned because he has robbed me of my muse and my share of the cherries. So, it looks like assassination is back on the agenda.
If that is the course of action now decided upon then I need to decide how it is to be done. Yes…I’ve got it! I think it will be quite pleasing and totally in keeping with his literary ‘big gob’ if I choke him to death. How am I going to do that I hear you ask? I’m bloody well going to make him eat his words. Stuff them down his throat one good story after another until they are all eschewed up! How’s that for a good word…eschewed? Not sure it means the same as chewed but so long as it chokes him what does it matter.
Now what story shall I start with? I know “Butcher’s Boy” followed by “Missing Years” then, appropriately “Uncontrollable Tears.” Because I will shed uncontrollable tears for the butcher’s boy once he has…gone missing!