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WHAT WE ARE

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Published by Dynamaso on March 10, 2009 - 00:59
from the ABC set Poetry & Song Lyrics

White skeletons pose
in rooted swagger,
limbs reaching up
into the swollen, grey sky.
Streamers of foliage
sway about in the constant wind
of progress rushing beneath.

I breathe in nicotine and exhaust
and wonder why I’m tired.
The night before may
have finally caught up with me.
I look down at our magenta chariot
and see you looking back,
almost like my reflection.

You give me a practiced
Elizabethan wave and smile
your love at me.
Once again, I am stunned
at my good fortune.
We are a team meant
for greater glories we’ve yet to fashion.

Soon, the not-so Great Dividing Range
slips past and we sit in
comfortable silence.
I wonder how it got to
be this good so simply.
After ruminating, I realise what we have
would never be considered simple.

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Comments

jennifer | March 10, 2009 - 11:10

I love:

'After ruminating, I realise what we have
would never be considered simple.'

But consider the last verse to undermine the power of the piece and think you could lose it completely...

however romantic it might be!

J x

Ewan | March 10, 2009 - 11:22

Hmm.... It's hard to jettison a whole stanza, but I agree with Jen: it's just too overt. I know sometimes my own poetry tends to make the reader work too hard, but I do think this poem would be better with less 'tell' at the end. I reckon you could finish at the hemistich

'what we are.'

you would leave the reader with a little to work out and still keep some of the sentiment you want to convey.

What do you think?

Regards Ewan

threeleafshamrock | March 10, 2009 - 19:57

I kind of agree with my far more able friends, Jen and Ewan but realise - as I am sure they do - that cutting off a stanza, can be like cutting off your arm. For me it's the last line that sort of over-softens; it seems surplus to requirements, as though re-stating the obvious. However that said (and you probably shouldn't heed me at all) it's a lovely piece and fine tribute to both partner and love in general...glad you realise your luck ;). Thanks for sharing!

Chris :)

Dynamaso | March 10, 2009 - 23:42

Chris, I am so grateful to yourself and anyone else who offers comments and constructive criticism of my work. It only helps me become a better writer. Thanks again, mate.

Dynamaso | March 10, 2009 - 23:48

Jen, I was wondering about the last stanza myself. The last stanza was actually one of the earlier ones I wrote then moved to where it is now. Looking at this now (after having slept on it) I agree with both Ewan and yourself and think it superfluous and perhaps even detrimental to the overall flavour of the piece. As you can see, it is now gone.

Ewan, having considered it fully, I think it works much better having removed the last stanza altogether. My reasoning for including it to begin with was probably more out of writer's attachment than any actual merit to the piece.

Thank you both for your advice and considered comments. These are much appreciated.

Dynamaso | March 11, 2009 - 12:02

Thanks to the cherry-giver and thanks again for the considered advice, folks. It is a much better piece for the adjustment.

MistakenMagic | March 11, 2009 - 17:40

'White skeletons pose
in rooted swagger,
limbs reaching up
into the swollen, grey sky.
Streamers of foliage
sway about in the constant wind
of progress rushing beneath.'

The first stanza just blew me away - brilliant, brilliant imagery! A wonderful read ;)

Magic xxx

Dynamaso | March 12, 2009 - 00:00

Thanks very much, Magic. Pleased you liked this one.