The Last Days

In the last days there shall come into the land of Londonshire a prophet. And his coming shall be like unto his going, and public transport shall not figure therein. And black shall be colour of the robes of his back, and great shall be the fashion statement thereof. Ninety times nine shall be the number of his name, and Frank shall be the name of his number, and great and greasy shall be the chips upon his shoulder. Yet muted shall be the rejoicing, for never hath he entered into the House of Big Brother, nor yet hath he sung a popular song, so nobody shall know his name.

And the prophet shall enter unto the studio of Jonathan the Ross. And he shall drive out the poofs therein, and smite their piano mightily. And Ross shall speak unto him, saying, “I am vewy wich, you know. I’ve got a farting dog.” And the prophet shall turn Ross into a pillar of dildos, and great shall be the rejoicing thereof. Then the prophet shall turn unto the audience and, speaking in tongues, teeth and hard palate, shall spin them a yarn of such improbability that their credulity shall be strained unto its limits. He shall speak unto them thus:

A master once advanced a proposition of the differential calculus. On hearing his words, one of his pupils rent his robes and cried out, saying, “master, I understand not thy teachings.” And the master replied, “Skunk Minor, thou art a fool and a plonker. Go forth from this place, take unto thyself a hoodie and hang about in the hall of miserable shopping, for this is thy destiny. And Skunk Minor went forth as his master commanded, and his raiment was the hoodie, and his meat was the burger, and many and varied were the arrests of his detaining. Yet still was he numbered among the chosen, for great and mysterious are the defects of the selection process.

And the producer shall speak unto the prophet, saying, “knowst thou not that the audience are all drunk at this time on a Friday night and wish only to be entertained? Thy parables wilt condemn thee to daytime TV lest thou pullest up thy socks. Thou hast seen Ross at work – if thou hast any concern for thy career, do thou likewise.” And the prophet shall be chastened and determined to improve. And he shall turn to his guest and shall speak thus: “Goest thou commando under thy fwock?”