The Green Wheelbarrow Menu
Oeuf à la coque avec soldats (soft-boiled egg with soldiers)
A local hen's egg seethed in free-range water and served it its own local shell with narrow strips of bread lightly spread with salt-free butter blended with the local council's local road-gritting salt.
A local delicacy. A disgruntled crab is surprised into compliance with a slipper of responsibly farmed red sauce, nibbled by organic monks and exposed to the elements, particularly bismuth. It is then lightly tickled with a bent rutabaga and seared in quarantine. Served with sprogs and a catamaran salad.
Coquilles sans jack
An amusing mis-spelling of coquilles St Jacques. Un jack is a jack plug and chef will make every effort to remove these before serving, although a few small ones may remain. Please let your waiter know if you are allergic to any other electrical items. Chef will also prepare coquilles sans joques, although joques doesn't actually mean anything. Other entertaining spellings can be prepared on request.
Pop goes the weasel
Made from fresh local roadkill. A weasel is inflated until it bursts with joy. It is incarcerated in a flatulent oven until an aroma develops, then sold on eBay to a welder from Crewe. The proceeds are used to buy a supermarket pizza which the customer may or may not eat at his own discretion. Not recommended to customers of a sensitive disposition or an obesity intolerance.
Death by cliché
A rich, dark stranger and a chocolate pudding to share with him. Made from 100% cocoa-free cocoa and chocolate-flavoured chocolate sustitute. Suitable for sméagols, seagulls and she-wolves. Not recommended for anyone with a sense of humour.
Just for the night: Chef's Special Grub Platter
An enchanting platter of witchetty grubs, mildly insulted with a mint and creosote dressing. The grubs are certified edible by a genuine Aborigine and consumption counts as a successful bushtucker trial.