Horror Scope (IP)

Horror Scope

Vampyre You import a coffin of soil from Transylvania. It is horribly uncomfortable and you toss and turn all day. You experiment with a duvet full of potting compost. You get a good day's sleep but turn into a runner bean seedling. The traditional ways are always the best.

Daemon The life of an unclean spirit is hard. People won't even soak their paintbrushes in you. You declare Daemonic Pride Day and march through Docklands where you are joined by thousands of lawyers and bankers. The stench is unbearable and you return to Hades to face your punishment. Instead, you are told that your work is done and congratulated by Satan himself. You sigh at the predictability of it all.

Seven-League Boots Today you discover the impracticality of seven-league boots for anyone without seven-league legs when you are ripped apart at the groin. No wonder they were so cheap at the car boot sale. What sort of boots do cars wear, anyway? You shudder to think.

Ghost You agree to spend the night in a haunted house. All you see are other ghosts. When will you believe that there's no such thing as people?

Spirits You flee from strange lights and noises in the woods. In the morning you are disappointed to find that the evil spirit is just an itinerant rapist with a torch. You can't begin to guess what he thought you were but he is equally embarrassed. You avoid each other's eyes and go about your business.

Axe Murderer You are pursued by an axe murderer. He corners you in an alley, snatches your axe and slices it in two. Calmly he cuts another notch in the handle of his chainsaw and stalks off into the night.

Mummy You should never have gone on that holiday to Egypt. A mummy has followed you home and seems intent on catching you. You can't begin to guess its foul purpose. You think there's plenty of time to sleep since it will take the mummy all night to shuffle from the other side of your bedroom but your alarm clock fails to wake you in time. "You're it," says the mummy.

Name That Tune The music begins. Everybody who hears the tune dies a horrible death. Damn you, Coldplay.

Satan Satan offers you a new Game Station in exchange for your soul. You agree but can't remember where you left it. While you're searching, Satan plays Fighting Warrior and reaches level three. He can't bear to stop and offers you his soul if he can have the Game Station back again. You have no use for his soul but say you'll let him keep the Game Station if he gets you another one. It all works out rather well for everybody.

Zombies It's those zombies again. They want to eat you and this time they've brought their knives, forks and dentures to show they mean business. You remind them that zombies can't eat, not having anything inside them to digest food. They point out that zombies can't understand you, not having any brains. You reply that they can't burn, not having any matches. One of them produces a lighter, strikes it triumphantly, and the whole lot of them go up in flames. You sigh, knowing that next time it will be personal.

Gothic As a Goth you take the first step to becoming a vampire by turning yourself into a bat. Your mum puts you in the garage with the other unused sporting equipment.

Werewolf It is the full moon and you find yourself transforming into a wolf again. You run like hell as the other tyranosaurs pursue you. Damn evolution for being so slow.