Fire for Beginners

The Olympic Torch

Excitement is running high following the announcement that Dunroamin will be on the route of the Olympic Torch. It is the first time an ordinary council house has been honoured in this way and its tenant, Terrence Sludge, believes the recognition is long overdue. “I believe the recognition is long overdue,” he said, after an hour of practice. He went on to say that it is a great opportunity and an inspiration to the young people of the house, several or none of whom have never seen fire before. We couldn’t train him to repeat the words, but those were his sentiments.

The building’s ancient floors have been strengthened for the occasion, and its historic fire insurance, dating back to 1932, has been entirely renewed. Neighbours have flocked to offer their good wishes. “Why you? You ain’t no better ner us,” has been a frequent message of congratulation.

The torch will enter by the front door and will immediately be conveyed by stair lift to the first floor, where a festival will be held in its honour. Terrence will make a speech, if he isn’t too drunk, and his wife and daughter will put on a specially choreographed lap-dancing display for the visiting dignitaries, who are likely to be the head of the local Badger Baiting Association. Terrence’s son Slash, who will be on day-release from Wandsworth Prison for the celebrations, will tell inspirational stories of the importance to young people of running, jumping and shooting skills.

The torch will then be paraded through the bedrooms, the loo and the bathroom utilising such diverse means of transport as a bicycle, a space hopper and a pogo stick. David Walliams has been invited to swim a length of the Sludges’ bath with the torch in his mouth but has so far been unable to reply politely. Nor has the zoo responded to requests for a backup dolphin to perform the feat in case Walliams is indisposed. Transport back to the ground floor will be by banister-slide.

A parade around the ancient mattress springs and rusty child’s trike in the back yard will follow, allowing those who could not obtain tickets for the festival to observe the torch at close quarters. “That flame come ‘ere all the way from abroad, Majorca or sumfink,” excited neighbours will tell their youngsters, who will suck their fists, stare in wide-eyed wonder ask themselves what kind of a world they have been born into, where such marvels can happen.

The torch will finally leave the property in the hands of Slash, who will scale the rear garden wall in an attempt to escape his armed guard. It will then be conveyed by ambulance to a tour of the local hospital’s emergency operating theatre.