Philosophy of Literature Course Paper

Was Dumbledore Gay or Just a Character in a Story?

Was Peter Rabbit a necrophile? If not, why did Beatrix Potter never deny it? She never once said he wasn't, which must surely imply that he was. Nor did Beatrix ever deny being Harry Potter's sister, so draw your own conclusions.

These are some of the many questions that anybody who is serious about the philosophy of literature must address, particularly if they want to do it as a career. They must be earnestly sincere in their investigations and completely oblivious to their absurdity.

Another important question, and one that has scholars perplexed, is this: was James Bond a transvestite, and why? Did Fleming know? There were thousands of occasions on which he might have set the record straight, but he didn't. Significant? Nobody has ever said so, which might mean that it isn't. But it could be. Who should decide? Who should make the money from running a course in which such questions are raised? Who should get a degree for providing fatuous answers? We may never know.

It is very important that questions like these should be investigated because it provides employment for people of little talent and knowledge and makes university education less elitist. Anybody can teach it; anybody can learn it; the universities fill their courses; the money flows; the mediocre get degrees. Only those with real academic degrees are dissatisfied: they are now subject to comparison with somebody who has studied homeopathy and hairdressing.

So, was Dumbledore a poof? Does anybody really give a toss? What are the consequences if you decide he was? Do you throw away your Hogwarts books, or do you read them extra hard? Do you reinterpret them, looking for occasions when Dumbledore might have been eyeing up little boys with a view to buggery? They're kids' books, for Christ's sake. You aren't going to learn anything from them unless you're eight. They don't contain any secrets, for the simple reason that Rowling wrote them and she doesn't know any. Why should authors know any more secrets than postmen or pole dancers?

If I have to sit through one more lecture in which some dimwit talks about stories as if they had the same weight as facts, I'll kill myself. Write a story of your own, you wanker. If you can't, don't pretend you know the first thing about literature. That's all I have to say. I'm off to the bar to get pissed.