Following decades of consistently ambiguous research, a team of scientists at Perquassek State University will publish the results of their 15th Clinical Trial today. An unlikely cure for tobacco smoking: cancer.
Brainchild of Dr Michael Filiponti, the trial assembled a randomised sample of five reluctant but adequately remunerated volunteers. Four were smokers and one wasn’t. Each volunteer had initially agreed to receive an injection of a virulent form of lung cancer in order to establish if this could have any negative effect on their smoking.
It was an unmitigated success. The study found, that without exception, every smoker stopped smoking, -- this occurring right at the moment before the cancer cells were injected into the body -- whereas the non-smoker continued not to smoke after the infusion of the cancer. Unfortunately, but as expected, he got cancer, but to redress the balance, the other four did too.
Filiponti was jubilant. He maintains that the research should have enormous application in making everyday life less manageable and fomenting a culture of fear. “Cancer could certainly become the number one weapon in combatting all sorts of relief-conferring but vaguely condemnable activity, such as homosexuality, French cricket or prayer. He added: “the future is bright but we certainly have a long way to go before we’ll prevent people picking their nose in private.”