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I knew a man from whose heart, death had stolen a brother.

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Published by ItsSteveDave on April 26, 2012 - 12:00
from the ABC set A Collection of Nothing In Particular

I knew a man
From whose heart, death had stolen
A brother.

They never talked.

And the integrity of his structure
Wavered –

Empty spaces were
Room for his collapse;

A cavernous mine shaft
Gave way below his feet,
Acquainting him with the darkness,
Dumping him in the dirt and
Under the debris of guilt.

Old railway sleepers
Came to rest upon him,
Heavy
Like the burden of silence.

I know a man
Facing an impasse
As sheer as the face
Of the bedrock,
But who feels the gift of life
More than ever;

The numbness of regret
Accentuates fond memory,
His brother’s smile
Of yesteryear –

A shimmer of gold
Held aloft
By the cold, hard earth.

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Comments

Silver Spun Sand | April 26, 2012 - 18:07

Steve - great writing this. Gutsy and evocative.

Tina

ItsSteveDave | May 2, 2012 - 09:42

Hi Tina,

Thank you very much, a workmate of mine lost his brother to a heart attack at age 50, 2 months after losing his father to the very same thing :(

steve_elliott04 | May 18, 2012 - 12:49

Really enjoyed this piece! Very evocative writing, and your use of imagery is excellent! I really love the stanzas beginning with 'A cavernous mine shaft' and 'old railway sleepers'.

The only constructive crit I can offer is in 'Acquainting him with the darkness / Dumping him in the dirt and'. I think these two lines would work much better without 'the', attaining a metre and rhythm for the stanza, still retaining the brillant use of imagery.

Then again, that is only what i would do! It may be different for you, and many other readers.

Again, I really enjoyed this!
All the best,
Steve.

ItsSteveDave | May 18, 2012 - 14:01

Thank you Steve, I really appreciate the feedback, I will play around with it I think.

I have just started going through some of my writing and making edits, and will continue to work through it when time allows.

Thank you for reading and commenting!

lavadis | May 18, 2012 - 16:22

Utterly brilliant and had I read this sooner I would have nominated it for poem of the week - well deserving of a cherry and I do not say that often

ItsSteveDave | May 18, 2012 - 16:59

Absolutely amazing comment Lavadis, thank you so much all who have commented.

Lavadis, if you are responsible for the cherry, I am very very grateful, if it was A.N Other, my thanks to you also! ;)

Steve.

shoe | May 18, 2012 - 17:30

Came to this from the forum, hurrah for forums!! brilliant poem.

jolono | May 18, 2012 - 18:57

Must have missed this when it was posted, but thanks to the forum, found it. So pleased I did. Loved it!

ItsSteveDave | May 23, 2012 - 10:51

Thank you both for your kind comments :)

Richard L. Prov... | May 25, 2012 - 17:56

ItsSteveDave---Brilliant work. Hard to add extra kudos to what is already said, but I'll try---it's flubbergasting!! Richard LP

Mark Heathcote | June 22, 2012 - 13:20

Very good, well written Steve much enjoyed the descriptive aspects of your poem.

ItsSteveDave | June 22, 2012 - 13:56

Thanks Mark for the read and comment. I appreciate your generosity!

And Richard, I had not seen your comment! Where are my manners! Thank you for reading and for being so complimentary.

Hopefully my current writers block will subside soon - I might write something better than my last effort...

Steve.