Unhinged Melody (22nd February 2009, 9.18am)
I sit here and watch outside your house,
From two doors down, across the road,
Waiting for you to get up and leave for work,
And hoping you don’t notice me;
My car’s generic.
You took me to lunch in another town,
An hour away where we knew no-one
And then we spent the afternoon in a hotel,
Drinking champagne and going down
In turns on each other.
Do you think that this doesn’t count?
How do you imagine she will see it,
If someone let it slip that we always tend
To work late on the same evenings?
I’m sure she’d count it.
And where the hell is all my pride?
I think I left it behind under your desk
That night when the office had gone quiet
And you slowly took off my dress;
I confess, I liked it.
I watch you pick up your kids from school
In your shiny, great big four wheel drive,
Feeling like a fool in my battered old Astra
Which the garage managed to keep alive,
And feel only jealousy.
I could burst right inside your family home
While you were out working late again
And confess everything to your wife,
But I’d probably end up getting fired
And I need the money.
So I’ll just keep following you around,
Letting all my dreams get in the way of
Rationality and pretending that it matters
To you as much as me; that one day
You’ll leave her for me.
Jennifer Pickup
Comments
Silver Spun Sand | February 22, 2009 - 14:26
I like the title:-)
I am sure that there are many who could identify with this poem, on one side of the fence, or another.
The poem is written in almost diary style, with the narrator almost speaking their thoughts as it progresses.
By the way, penultimate line, penultimate stanza, I think it should read, '... getting fired'.
I liked this a lot:-)
T x
threeleafshamrock | February 22, 2009 - 14:45
...'So I’ll just keep following you around,..' So you really are a stalker, after all! LOL. Don't mean to demean a very good piece Jen. Can see the steam coming off this one, well done!
Chris
jennifer | February 22, 2009 - 14:57
Haha the stalker comment is obviously my inspiration for the whole piece! Feel my pain!!!
Thanks to Tina for spotting my mistake - you can see how awake I was this morning - I changed the line but forgot the wording!
J x
chuck | February 22, 2009 - 15:58
Very good but...
'I think I left it behind upon your desk....'
Doesn't quite work. I know you need the extra syllable but the speaker doesn't seem like the type to say upon.
shoebox | February 22, 2009 - 16:17
'my car's generic' is outstanding. yeah, take out upon, perhaps. Cheers
Ewan | February 22, 2009 - 16:41
What about ',over' Jen??? Or is that a little too graphic?
chuck | February 22, 2009 - 16:48
Under?
Ewan | February 22, 2009 - 16:56
I thought about that one too, Chuck; in my experience it's a little difficult to get someone's dress off under a desk...
But then I shouldn't have been wearing it.
chuck | February 22, 2009 - 17:29
My thinking was that the person in question might have been helping with some form of Clintonesque relaxation.
Ewan | February 22, 2009 - 17:34
Ahh... that dress. I did not have sixty-nine with that woman... just 34-and-a-half. Bill, what a charming liar, as all the best ones are.
Ewan | February 22, 2009 - 17:38
On reflection, under, but that's not up to us, and worth the cherry in any case, I think.
chuck | February 22, 2009 - 17:41
Yes Bill redefined extramarital activity. He may even have rewritten the entire Western moral code.
I'll go with under but it's Jennifer's poem. Definitely cherryworthy.
jennifer | February 22, 2009 - 18:29
Under the desk it is! It was dark anyway, could be anywhere! I really miss that dress...but now it's becoming clear that Ewan might well have pinched it...
J x
Dynamaso | February 23, 2009 - 00:13
I too really like the title and enjoyed this piece immensely. It kind of reminds me of a movie, but I'm not sure which one - 'Fatal Attraction', maybe. You're not boiling any bunnies, are you?
The good thing about being on the other side of the world is by the time I read a lot of work, any corrections have been made and I get to see the final piece.
MistakenMagic | February 24, 2009 - 16:19
'And where the hell is all my pride?
I think I left it behind under your desk
That night when the office had gone quiet
And you slowly took off my dress;
I confess, I liked it.'
- loved this stanza!
And another beautiful poem, bittersweet and stark, excellent ;)
Magic xxx
jennifer | February 24, 2009 - 16:32
Thank you very much for the comments...seems the majority of people seem to like my stalker-esque alter-ego...long may she be wicked!
J x
Nathan Bednarek | February 27, 2009 - 00:15
'Do you think that this doesn’t count?
How do you imagine she will see it,
If someone let it slip that we always tend
To work late on the same evenings?
I’m sure she’d count it.'
I love this stanza and the last on is a spit'n'polish finish. A lovely read, well done.
Nathan.