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White Dwarf | June 16, 2012 - 09:05
A bit hard to understand I think.
I'm guessing it is a rethink of the fairy tale hansel and gretel. Though the Iphone suggests a modern twist.
What is confusing me is there is no clear space and time in the story.
This is mainly in the voice you have used.. the first person protagonist. Describing things in an old fashioned way. "ankle-length mauve gown as she floated toward me"
And a famine? --- no food but seemingly a western society with busses and Iphones. Perhaps this is the future, or another reality.
Your exposition and description tries to emulate a more traditional style of writing, quite formal. With words like Gown. But it changed mid paragraphs in some sections to a modern vernacular. Such are "with wads of cash" " change I had in my pocket to take the bus"
I don't know if this style was intentional - But I don't think it works -- it's just confusing.
And then there is the end section of the story. A sudden jump into present tense. I understand why you did that -- because you feel she is telling a story that has yet to come to its climax. So you catch the reader up to the present and start writing in present tense. This is a mistake. There is no need for this. It just serves to be distracting, as it makes the reader aware of the building blocks of the story. You dont want that in such a short piece.
Secondly, you have skipped a huge section of the story -- suddenly the hero is is inside the house about to kill the the witch.
And then you skip the bit where the hero does kill the witch. The killing is implied. But why only imply it?
Leaving the house with "wads of Cash" is just silly.
Lastly: I must be missing something. Is the brother in hospital or captured by the witch. Is this all in her (the heros imagination?
I'm not even sure if the hero is a boy or a girl?
All this is only meant to help.
JessicaA | June 16, 2012 - 23:01
I understand, thank you. I don't know why I always overlook things like this. I may fix it up, or simply rewrite it altogether. Thanks again for your review.
White Dwarf | June 17, 2012 - 07:43
No problem. Hope I didn't hurt any feelings :)
I'd like to see the rewrite if you do one. Post a comment here to let me know if you put it up.
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