I’m a geezer (chav anthem #1)

This mornin’, yeah, I got out of bed
and I was like, “Nar, Bruv! Aar, me ‘ead!
I must’ve been well drunk last night,
I ‘ope I didn’t, like, start a fight.”
I made meself some cheese on toast
and I was like, “A smoke’s what I want most!”
So I walked off down the street, didn’t I?
Past the chip shop, I nearly bought a pie,
but I went into the newsagent’s instead,
got some G.V, a packet of Rizla Red
and some crisps. Sorted! … Ready Salted!
Get it? That joke weren’t imported!
I was in the burger bar rollin’ a snout
while readin’ the Sun and messin’ about
with my phone and watchin’ football on the telly,
when I was like, “Ar, nar! I forgot to text Kelly!”

I’m a geezer! I’m a geezer, ain’t I? I’m a geezer,
with one ‘and on a bottle of cranberry Breezer
and the other on me bird, she’s a right dirty sleazer
but only with me, ‘cause I tell yer, mate, she’s a
class piece of muff and a crafty cock-teaser
what makes your bird look like Mother Teresa.
Nothin’ wrong with me, bruv, geezer, geezer, geezer,
the only book I’ve ever read is The Beezer.

So I was like, “Worse things ‘appen at sea,
it ain’t the end of the world, matey!”
You get me? I was like, “No use cryin’
at spilt milk. Plenty more fish in the fryin’
pan…and into the fire.”
Poets are wankers, like Rastas Obadiah
or whatever, what chats about racism and that,
who cares? The poncey poet twat!
It’s like them dick’eads in the First World War
what writ about mustard gas – what a bore!
Know what I’m sayin’? I’m much better,
in my proper expensive designer sweater.
I’m the dog’s gonads, I am, me.
I call a spade a spade, you see.
For me it’s easy as fallin’ off a log
but this wide world’s like, dog eat dog

and I’m a geezer, I’m a geezer, ain’t I? I’m a geezer!
I keep my trousers in the freezer.
If I don’t, the lads’ll be like, “ ‘E’s a
twat! ‘E’s benter than the Tower of Pisa!
What a twat!” and I’ll ‘ave a seizure!
Gotta look proper, ain’t I? I’m a geezer,
I’m streeter than you!! – and Julius Caesar
put together, so watch it, bruv, I’m a geezer,
I’ll smack you with my Barclaycard and my Visa,
I could pull your legs off with some tweezers
but I wouldn’t do that, I’m a top geezer,
a geezer-of-the-geezers-on-the-streetser,
I’d never say nothin’ what wouldn’t not please yer!
Football, birds, Kentucky Fried Pizza,
I’m a geezer, the number one urban geezer,
I’m a borin’ little chav cunt, I’m a geezer,
know what I mean?