Jesus is Coming Late – You’ll be Surprised Who Gets a Slapped Behind
The author of this story would like to thank Dave McKay for writing the book Survivors and Harold Camping for predicting the end of the world wrongly at least 3 times. I have never read the Left Behind series of books and don’t want to.
This story is transcribed from the pile of tiny notebooks in my bedroom that I bought from Poundland, which accounts for the really short chapters. But I kept the original chapter headings because they add something to the story.
Chapter 1 A Slapped Behind
“We are End TV, and we are broadcasting until the end of the world, when the rock hits. We are going to gather on Plymouth beach, look at the sign of the Son of Man in the sky, and broadcast the rapture live on TV. The producer and the cameraman are humanists. We had to employ them under UK equality laws. They will be left behind, and continue to provide you with live coverage of all that’s happening around the world after we’re gone.”
Thousands of Christians gathered on Plymouth beach, watching the huge asteroid as it streaked through the atmosphere, clearly visible in the daytime sky. They saw it descend over the horizon. Then something funny happened to the sea.
“What are all those fish doing on the sand?” asked one of the Christians. “The tide’s gone miles out. You’d better get up to the hills. This is a tsunami.”
“Don’t you believe in a pre-tribulation rapture?” asked an old lady.
“We expect to be carried up to Heaven on a flowery bed of ease,” said her husband.
“Well, it’s very obvious that we haven’t been gathered from the four winds, from one end of Heaven to the other. We’re not with Jesus in the clouds, we’re down here and there’s a huge tsunami coming in the next ten minutes. I think we’d better run as fast as we can.”
“I live by faith, not by fears,” said the husband.
“I’m sure God wouldn’t be offended if we climbed up that hill,” said a young lady. “We’ve probably got time. If we are going to be raptured today, I’m sure we wouldn’t miss out on anything by climbing up the hill.”
“Yes,” said a young man. “Let’s run up the hill, it’s only sensible. I’d like to be one of those who do not taste death.”
It was actually BBC News 24 who reported the event.
“Thousands of members of the End TV religious cult have been swept out to sea from Plymouth beach. They were watching the asteroid, believing that it was a sign of the end of the world. Hundreds managed to escape by running up a nearby hill.” The BBC interviewed one of the survivors.
“We knew it was a tsunami. The tide had gone out for miles, there were fish on the sand. But they didn’t want to leave. They were convinced Jesus was coming back, and they’d ascend into the sky to be with him in the clouds.”
Zion Ben Nutcase Here
The Bible describes a time of great suffering that will come on the earth (the great tribulation) after Jesus comes back, and the rapture of the Christians, when they are taken to be with Jesus in the clouds. It’s just a question of which happens first. This has always been very controversial. Should Christians look forward to the second coming, and expect to be carried away to heaven on flowery beds of ease, still holding the remote control of their satellite television while they watch Songs of Praise from Australia on the God Channel, or should they dread and fear that awful day? Is it really any of our business, anyway, and if billions of people are going to die and we make up a tiny % of the population, why are we so selfish? To cap it all, why has every generation of Christians passionately believed that Jesus will come again in their lifetime and produced characters that made stupid predictions? Jesus said he would come when we least expect it. I would least expect him to come on the day that some nutter from an American radio station predicted he would come. Radio Cracker say that Jesus is coming next Saturday at half past three in the afternoon. Ha, ha, ha. We all know he isn’t. It didn’t happen in September 1994, on May 21 2011, on October 21 2011, but it’ll be one of those future dates when some future nutter actually predicted that Jesus would come. It’ll happen on that exact day, at that exact hour. That would surprise everybody.
Chapter 2 Foretold
Pastor Bole led his Bible study group in his front room.
“There’s an asteroid on its way towards Earth.”
“You say that every week,” said Carol.
“Well, I think it’s important.”
“Look Pastor,” said Tony, “that thing’ll kill a few thousand people wherever it lands. It’s a terrible tragedy, but it’s not the end of the world. It’s probably got nothing to do with the second coming of Christ.”
“What about the sign of the Son of Man in the sky?”
“It’s only an asteroid,” said Carol. “The sign of the Son of Man could mean anything.”
“Men will faint with fear because of what is coming on the world because the heavenly bodies will be shaken.”
“They don’t seem to be very worried. They think it might miss us,” said Carol.
“Nations will be in anguish at the roaring and tossing of the sea.”
“Even if it hit the sea, it’d be no worse than Fukushima in Japan in 2011,” said Tony.
Chapter 3 Nuclear Terror
BBC News 24 broadcast what would be their last news programme from London, ever. It was also one that people would remember for the rest of their short lives. Two announcers sat in the studio.
“Why is the sky full of nuclear weapons? The Russians aren’t communists any more, the Iraqis haven’t got any, so where did they all come from?”
“Well John, I think the tsunami in the Atlantic Ocean hit some of the radar stations on the east coast of America, and caused their early warning system to malfunction.”
“The government have told everybody to stay indoors, board up the windows and sit in the cellar. But there are crowds congregating on the streets tonight. This report from Melissa in Manchester.”
“Why are you all here tonight?” asked Melissa.
“We believe Jesus is coming again. We expect to be taken out of the world,” said an old lady.
“But the Christians in Plymouth believed that, and they’re all dead.”
“The sound of the atomic bombs will be the sound of the last trumpet,” said a young man. “He will send out his angels with a loud trumpet call, to gather his elect from the four winds, from one end of Heaven to the other.” The sky lit up.
“Don’t look,” said Melissa. “It’ll damage your eyes.”
“The sign of the Son of Man has appeared in the sky,” said the young man, looking up. “The street lights have gone out.” They hadn’t. The man had gone blind.
The scene returned to the studio.
“Not another bunch of unfortunate Christians who think they will not taste death. They’ll actually taste it a long time before the rest of us do. Melissa, are you still there?”
“I’m still here, John. There was a loud noise like an earthquake. I think the explosion was over another city nearby, possibly Leeds. And John, you’re supposed to be impartial.”
“I was just insulting Christians. You’re allowed to insult Christians.”
Chapter 4 The Maitreya
Pastor Bole drove Tony and Carol to Northampton, to see a man most Christians believed to be Jesus. They turned on the car radio to listen to the news.
“Atomic bombs exploded over 27 European cities last night. In the UK, they exploded over Leeds, Birmingham and London. This broadcast is coming to you from our Cardiff studios. The M1 is still open from Sheffield to Northampton, and most UK airports are still functioning. A man has appeared in Northampton, calling himself the Maitreya and claiming to be Jesus Christ. He believes that the Bible verse about Jesus descending through the clouds was fulfilled when he landed his private jet at East Midlands Airport.”
“I call my followers to come here from all over the world,” said the voice of the Maitreya. “Come and see me in Northampton. East Midlands airport is still open, the M1 is open. The roads in Northampton are sign posted. I will gather my elect from the four winds, from one end of Heaven to the other.”
“Imagine meeting Jesus in the flesh,” said Pastor Bole.
“Is he the real Jesus?” asked Carol.
There were tens of thousands of people in a sports stadium somewhere in Northampton.
“I heal people of radiation sickness,” said Maitreya. “If you were standing near one of those bombs as it went off, and if you are feeling unwell, come down to the front.” Maitreya laid hands on people whose skin looked scorched, and whose hair was coming out all over their clothes. They looked normal again. As he lifted up his hands and laid them on people, it was very obvious there were marks underneath them. “I can make you whole, I can make you whole. You’ll know me by the nail prints in my hands.”
“Is he really Jesus?” asked Carol.
“He must be. Like the hymn says, you’ll know him by the nail prints in his hands,” said Pastor Bole.
“That’s just a song,” said Tony, “it’s not from the Bible. It could be stigmata. Lots of Catholics around the world get nail prints in their hands during lent. This could be the same thing.”
“I want everyone to have their national insurance number tattooed on the back of their hands,” said Maitreya. “The National Insurance Contribution Office in Newcastle is still functioning, but you can’t rely on the postal system at a time like this. I have all your national insurance numbers on my satellite linked tablet computer. My assistants will tattoo them on to your hands. You need this number. You won’t be able to get a job without it. You won’t be able to claim benefit without it.”
“I’m having it done,” said Pastor Bole.
“I know my national insurance number,” said Tony.
“I’ve got a little plastic card in my purse with mine on,” said Carol. Pastor Bole went down to the front.
“The church is going to become extremely powerful,” continued Maitreya. “Anyone who disobeys it will be killed.” Now Carol was absolutely sure that Maitreya was the Anti-Christ.
Maitreya stood behind a microphone in the United Nations.
“I propose Resolution 78641. There should be no more poverty and no more wars anywhere in the world.”
“It’s so simple!” said one of the other politicians. “All the world’s problems will be solved.”
“Why didn’t anyone think of it before?” asked another. The resolution was passed unaminously.
A few months later Maitreya made another resolution. Resolution 78642. “Those who oppose this government are enemies of the people. They wish to return the world to a state of war and poverty. They must be killed.”
“Isn’t that a bit harsh?” asked one politician.
“Are you an enemy of the people and Maitreya, as well? Do you want a return to war and poverty?” someone asked.
“No,” said the first politician. “I just think people should be able to disagree.”
“Disagreeing is what people have been doing for thousands of years,” said another. “It’s disagreement that causes all these problems in the first place. I’ll vote for Maitreya. You either take him, or you leave him. You can’t take the bits that you like, you have to have the whole system. And I’m convinced the world’s a better place.” The resolution passed unanimously.
Zion Ben Nutcase Here
Why do we always assume that the Anti-Christ is some sort of socialist do gooder who will set the world to rights, but be secretly evil? This is actually a very western idea, and only came about after the second world war. Hitler was a socialist do gooder who seemed to solve all the country’s problems – I say, seemed to, as any reasonable socialist knows that ending inflation and unemployment is quite easy if you have a low wage economy and a very long war. Not the economic genius many claimed him to be – the UK could do that if it introduced a load of government subsidised jobs at low wages, taxed the rich until the pips squeaked and started world war III deliberately. The memory of Hitler lives on in people’s phobias. The great dictator, in a time of crisis, who says, “I am the answer!” Many stories are told and many books written about such people. One Christian book against the European Union quoted a politician saying, in 1952, at the genesis of the European Union, saying, ‘What we are looking for is someone who can pull us out of the economic morass we find ourselves in, and when we find him, angel or devil, we will receive him.’ The question is whether such a person exists. If all the young people in the country desperately want to join the army, and fight on the front line in a dangerous war for a minimum wage of £6 an hour, that’s probably what National Socialism is like in practice. Hitler’s socialism would appeal to the starving masses of the 1930s, but we might be happier on the dole than with such a terrible dictatorship, and the real economic advantages of state socialism aren’t that great. It seems that, even in countries like Cuba and the Soviet Union, where socialism was a little more peaceful (the Soviets did not start World War III, they invaded Afghanistan but so did we) that the average standard of living was not a lot better than the average English person would expect if they were unemployed and on benefits. In fact, the Labour Prime Minister Tony Blair’s great achievement was designing a benefit system that didn’t penalise people who worked. Now, the main complaint from people on minimum wage jobs is that they are working so hard and only £20 a week better off than when they were on benefit. Nevertheless, ask them if they would rather have lived in the Soviet Union or if they would vote Communist, even imagining that 21st century socialists could create a new form of Communism that didn’t send radical political writers like me to prison, do such people really think they would be better off? Probably not. Tiny apartments without central heating, limited food, and Radio Moscow World Service broadcasting in French, German and English informing short wave listeners across the world how lovely this was compared to the absolute destitution that so many people in the world live in, Communist countries were no wealthier than the unemployed of the UK.
Has the European Union pulled us out of the economic morass we find ourselves in? Far from it. It is trying to create a United States of Europe, where the huge debts of the member countries would be shared, as they are in the United States of America. American dream? The phrase has been replaced, in latter years, by the phrase American nightmare. You work hard, your company fails anyway, you’re made redundant. European intergration just can’t do it.
A left wing dictator couldn’t set the world to rights. It is extremely difficult to do so. Full employment, in a technological society, easily leads to over production, or people sitting in their offices with nothing to do. Let’s have more students, free education, more camp sites for hippies, so there can be more jobs left for people who want them (some of my solutions) but jobs for everybody with a minimum wage of £10 an hour? How? I always felt that some British political parties, like the Socialist Party and others, would promise you the moon on a stick without having to pay for it. The reality of National Socialism is either the kind of debt situation that exists in Greece (or in the UK of the last socialist government in 1976) or a lifestyle of equality resulting in simplicity, the simplicity of my manifesto being what would make my politics rather unpopular. The idea that, somehow, when a dictator comes and sets the world to rights, everybody will be driving around in beautiful cars and have beautiful homes, not caring about the abductions and the deaths as long as he can manage the economy, is a fantasy created in the 20th century. If our understanding of the Great Tribulation is anywhere near right, don’t you think it would be harder still to solve the world’s problems during the last seven years of its existence, when atomic bombs are falling from the sky, asteroids are plunging into the ocean, the climate is doing things that would make global warming look like nothing by comparison, and there is a terrible time of suffering unprecedented since the beginning of time?
Chapter 5 The 144,000
Malcolm answered a knock on the door. There were two smartly dressed men in suits.
“Hello. I’m one of the 144,000,” said one.
“Are you a Jehovah’s Witness?”
“I used to be.”
“And I used to be a Hindu,” said the other.
“How come you’re all working together?”
“God accepts those who are sincere,” said the former JW.
“You can be sincerely right, or you can be sincerely wrong.”
“God doesn’t care whether you’re right or wrong,” said the former Hindu, “he just wants you to be sincerely sincere.”
“Sincere about what?”
“Sincere about God, in whatever way you understand him,” said the former JW.
“Like the Church of England?”
“Yes,” said the former Hindu. “It’s our job to bring Christianity to the whole world.”
“It’s a bit late for that,” said Malcolm. “I’ve got this book from Operation Mobilisation. World Evangelism’s happened already. The lost continents have been and gone, mate.”
“I suppose we’re wasting our time,” said the former Hindu.
“Don’t worry. Full time Christian workers have always been a waste of money, and superfluous to requirements.”
“That makes us feel much better,” said the former JW.
“What’s the best way to get some money to fill up our private jet?” asked the Hindu.
“Start a satellite TV station and spend lots of time asking for money.”
“OK,” said the former JW. “Will do.”
Maitreya appeared on the television news. “I am going to build a huge temple in Jerusalem, bigger than anything that anyone has built there before. This temple will consist of a huge Catholic cathedral, a huge mosque and a Jewish altar in the middle. Sacrifices will be offered on the altar, the same way as they were in the Jewish Scriptures.” The program returned to the studio. The newsreader continued,
“Another thing that United Nations Secretary and World President Maitreya has introduced is that you can have your national insurance number tattooed on the back of your hand. This is not compulsory, but is just in case you forget it. Ibrahim is one of the 144,000. Hello Ibrahim.” Ibrahim appeared on the big screen in the studio.
“Who exactly are the 144,000?”
“We’re a group of evangelists who are preaching the gospel to the whole world.”
“Hasn’t it been preached to them already?”
“Not the kind of gospel we’re preaching. We want peace and reconciliation all over the world.”
“What do you think of Maitreya?”
“There is nothing wrong with people taking the mark as long as they are sincere. God doesn’t care if you’re sincerely right or sincerely wrong, he just wants you to be sincerely sincere.”
Three and a half years later the Maitreya stood on the stage in the middle of the temple. Some priests were leading a cow to the big Jewish altar. He spoke into the microphone.
“Today, all sacrifices will cease.” The priests with the cow stopped moving, and looked at Maitreya. “From today, everyone will worship me.” There were people queuing in the temple. Maitreya looked at them. “If you need the mark on your hand, you need to bow down and worship me in front of this stage and say, ‘I give my life to Maitreya, worship him, love him dearly, and will betray his enemies to be killed.’ Several hundred of you can say this at the same time, so it shouldn’t take all day.” The words appeared on a big screen. “As you worship me, I will heal you of cancer, I will heal you of radiation sickness. Only the tattoo machine in the temple can give you a tattoo with a genuine 3D watermark. You can’t do anything without this number. You can’t register with a doctor, claim benefits or get a job without it. And from today, when you do any of those things, they’re not going to ask you to remember your national insurance number, they’re going to look at the back of your hand for a tattoo with a genuine 3D watermark. From today, this is compulsory.”
Zion Ben Nutcase Here
Early eschatologists had a problem. They passionately believed that Jesus would come again in their lifetime. Jesus said, “This gospel of the kingdom will be preached in all the world, and then the end will come.” When John Nelson Darby lived in the 1850s, and Vernon McGee was a radio preacher in the 1980s, this obviously hadn’t happened. So they found a solution. The book of Revelation describes a vision of 12,000 people from each of the 12 tribes of Israel, 144,000 people altogether, worshipping God. (Revelation 7.) In the minds of these preachers, these became 12 huge tribes of missionaries that would go out after the rapture to evangelise more people than ever before.
If Jesus tarries (to use the technical term) for another 30 years, the entire world will be listening to the Bible in their own language on touch screen mobile phones which cost £1, and have free airtime which is paid for by subscription channels like Sky Sports and Sky Movies unlimited film downloads, which are both £5 a month. So, even the African peasant in the fields will enjoy Christian programmes for free. The Kindle already exists. A computer that looks like a paperback book, and is no bigger than a book. The real test will be when the Kindle becomes cheaper than a paperback book. Then the reign of the paperback book is well and truly over. And a mobile phone, with a little screen, and a computerised voice that reads out the text, costs a lot less. No electricity? Just put a solar panel on the roof. Attach it to a rechargeable battery, it’ll charge up the battery during the day and charge the phone if you plug it in to the circuit at night. Such a trivial solar system for charging the mobile would cost less than £20, and give you a nightlight and TV as well. Not to mention the missionaries of the 2040s, armed with their little memory sticks containing a huge variety of films dramatising the whole Bible, and a roll up screen that requires no projector because the TV is built into it and you simply point the memory stick at it to upload the film.
Such a world is already developing. More people have become Christians in the Muslim world in the last 20 years than ever before, often through electronic media. Missionaries have evangelised every country in the world, and even in countries like Somalia, officially having few Christians, there are enough believers to produce frequent stories of martyrdom. In the next thirty years they will translate the New Testament into all the languages that need one. This would mean penetrating every tribe and language group. So, if Jesus returns any time after 2041, 144,000 evangelists in the great tribulation would not be necessary.
These people are not evangelists that set out to evangelise the whole world. That is simply an example of theological car parking – trying to get yourself out of an awkward position that your watertight theology has backed itself into.
Chapter 6 To Kill the Maitreya
Raymond sat with Pastor Bole, Tony and Carol at their Bible study group.
“I’m going to kill the Maitreya,” said Ray.
“Is he really so terrible?” asked Pastor Bole, looking at the national insurance number with the 3D watermark on the back of his hand.
“He is terrible,” said Ray, “think of the number of Christians who are being murdered every day.”
“If you kill Maitreya, somebody will kill you,” said Tony.
“I’m an old man. I’ve lived a long time. I don’t mind losing the few years I have left.”
“How are you going to do it?” asked Carol.
“I’ll pretend that I’m saying the prayer to him and receiving the tattoo. Then, I pull out the gun and shoot him. I just have to get a bullet through his heart before they kill me.”
Ray had no difficulty booking a flight to the temple in Israel. There was a chartered flight every half hour. If you went at 6 o’ clock in the morning it only cost £25. There was also a bus that ran straight to the East Midlands airport, 24 hours a day. He joined the long queue outside the temple. It took hours to get inside. Ray was bursting for the toilet. Eventually, he was able to join the hundreds of people kneeling before Maitreya, who was on the stage. He tried to get as close to Maitreya as possible, looking at the words on the big screen, appearing to be in prayer. Then he pulled out the gun. He shot Maitreya straight through the heart. Maitreya fell off his throne, and hit the ground with a thud. Then Raymond was torn apart by a hail of bullets that came from all directions. A paramedic from the Red Crescent resuscitated the Maitreya. He performed cardiac compressions and sang,
“Nellie the elephant packed her trunk and said goodbye to the circus, off she went with a trumpety trump, trump, trump.” He then gave the Maitreya mouth to mouth, 2 ventilations after the final trump. The paramedic began the song again, each time giving the Maitreya 2 ventilations after the final trump. Another paramedic had a defibrillator. A 3D hologram appeared beside the defibrillator, explaining how it worked.
“Take the electrodes, and put them on the patient’s chest,” said the hologram. “Attach the white to the right, and the red to Hell.” The hologram pointed. The paramedic attached the electrodes. “Analysing. The patient has an apparent systole. His heart has stopped completely, and he cannot be resuscitated. I declare the patient to be clinically dead. You may stop giving cardiac pulmonary resuscitation.” At that moment the Maitreya coughed. One of the paramedics looked shocked, and cried out in fear. The other laughed and said,
“I told you that cheap defibrillator wasn’t very good.” Maitreya sat up.
“Thank you for saving me. I feel fine.”
“You need an X ray,” said one of the paramedics. “I want to know where that bullet is.” He picked up a small, handheld device that looked like a calculator. He pointed it at the Maitreya’s chest, and then showed him the picture that had appeared on the screen on the back. “Maitreya, your heart has a huge hole in it like a ring doughnut, and it isn’t even beating. I don’t know how you’re alive.”
“Have faith,” said Maitreya. “Don’t you believe in miracles?” The truth is that the Maitreya was dead but his body was being possessed by a demon. He was a zombie.
Chapter 7 The Two Witnesses
MD and AJ worked in an office which was part of an old house. MD was a brilliant writer, had had a poem read out on BBC television, and won the runners’ up prize in all sorts of competitions, but had, frustratingly, never made any money. He convinced himself, now, that he was working for God and that God would provide his needs.
AJ was a brilliant website designer. He had designed a website about Maitreya being the Anti-Christ, with plenty of interesting video clips. One of them showed a Christian being martyred. A woman stood before Maitreya in the temple. “Will you take the mark?” Maitreya kept asking. The Christian kept saying no. Finally, the trap door opened. The Christian fell into a huge fish tank and was surrounded by hungry pirana fish. “Jesus loves you, Maitreya,” said the Christian, as the pirana fish tucked in and the blood foamed around her body. “Why don’t you repent and believe the good news? Now I’m going to Heaven. Praise the Lord,” she said, as her body disappeared into a swirling pool of blood. Of course, the government tried to block his website, but they never could. AJ was an IT geek, and always managed to outwit them. He knew where to hide a file on the internet so that it was visible to a search engine, even when the authorities thought they had erased it. He even made his own search engines, as the authorities would never let people look up “Christians being martyred” on Google.
MD sat at his computer. “There is a Yahoo in New Zealand,” he said. “Let’s send a spam email to every Yahoo customer in New Zealand.” AJ logged onto the Yahoo New Zealand site on his computer.
“I can see all their email addresses,” said AJ. “Every member of the government of New Zealand, they all have Yahoo email addresses.”
“Send them a personal message from me,” said MD, “warning them about Maitreya, and saying that they should have nothing to do with him. I will finish the message in half an hour.”
At that moment, 2 policemen burst through the door. AJ looked at them, and they caught fire. They screamed. Soon, there was nothing left of each policeman but a pile of ashes with a police hat on the top.
“Just call it spontaneous human combustion,” said AJ.
“By the way,” said MD, “the camera on my computer is running all the time. It filmed that. Put it on the website. ‘We’re the two witnesses. Perhaps you’d like to stop us.”
“I can here an American drone missile,” said AJ.
“Hear it? What does one sound like?”
“A kind of faint, whooshing noise.”
“I can’t hear anything.”
“It’s about 4,000 feet away.” AJ looked out of the window. “It’s just broken cloud cover.” MD couldn’t see anything. The missile was too small, only AJ could see it. MD saw the huge flash of the exploding missile, as AJ exploded it with his psychic powers.
MD had made a laser. It was a tiny little thing plugged into a battery and held on a stand, which he put on his desk. He demonstrated the laser by burning a brown mark in a piece of paper.
“I took the laser out of my old CD player,” said MD. “I want us to advertise this service on the website. Have your mark of the beast tattoo removed.”
Pastor Bole was one of the first to have his tattoo removed. He sat down next to MD in the office.
“I should never have taken the mark,” he said. “I thought Maitreya was Jesus. I’ve been in such a terrible state since I had that tattoo. The nightmares never end. And I hear voices. They direct me to kill Christians.” MD turned on the laser, and Pastor Bole put his tattoo underneath. “Aaaagh, oooogh!” he shrieked. “Is this thing a proper medical laser?”
“No,” said MD. “I made it from an old CD player.” Pastor Bole’s screams continued. “Do you want me to stop?”
“No, no, carry on.” After a few minutes, the tattoo was gone. “Thank you,” said Pastor Bole. “Thank you so much. The voices have gone. I can think again.”
One person who wanted his tattoo removed had no right hand. The tattoo was on his forehead.
“I’m one of the 144,000,” he said.
“I thought you believed in the Maitreya,” said MD.
“We’ve changed our stance. I always taught that people had to be sincere and follow the ideals of their own religion, whatever that may be. But the ideas of Maitreya’s religion include sacrificing people to Satan on prime time TV. It wasn’t like that at first, but since someone shot Maitreya, and a demon possessed his body and raised him from the dead, we see his true colours.” MD put a blindfold on the patient. “Why the blindfold?”
“This is not a proper medical laser,” said MD. “I made it from an old CD player. It will hurt, but it will do the job.”
“Do it. If I could free from these horrible dreams and evil, violent thoughts.”
AJ sat in front of the camera on top of his desk and looked right into it. “Today, I put a curse on Israel. It will not rain there until Maitreya stops his human sacrifices.” All sorts of messages appeared on the two witnesses Facebook site. One from a farmer, with a video clip of him driving his tractor.
“You will put us out of business.”
One from the Israeli tourist board, showing pictures of the sea, fields and mountains and playing relaxing music.
“Come to Israel. Have a relaxing family two week break while you come to the temple to take the mark. The weather’s always sunny.” The economy was more complicated these days. Once, no rain in Israel meant famine. Today, it meant bankrupt farmers and rapidly expanding tourism.
Maitreya replied to AJ’s broadcast with a video address of his own. This message was broadcast on every television channel some time that day, in all the world’s languages.
“Hardly a day goes by without some huge disaster in the world that kills millions of people. Massive earthquakes, massive volcanic eruptions, asteroids hitting the oceans, major tsunamis. There are 144,000 people who still refuse to take the mark, and they are to blame. They use their powers to make it happen. They sit in front of a map of the world, and they point at it with their finger, and they say, yes, I’ll have an earthquake here, an asteroid here, a tsunami there. We will have no mercy on these enemies of the people. If you suspect that someone is a dissident, call the number on your screen.” The number of human sacrifices, which had been high already, increased ten fold.
The two witnesses held a press conference. MD stood on the stage and spoke into a microphone.
“Time is very, very short. You don’t exactly need a PHD in Comparative Theology to see that Jesus is coming soon. You must repent very quickly. Fall on your knees. Confess your sins. Cry out to God for mercy. This is the last hour.” There were some soldiers sitting in the crowded hall, and AJ could hear them loading the ammunition into their guns. Quickly, AJ jumped from his seat and spoke into the other microphone.
“Lord, when you were on Earth, you made blind eyes see. Now, make seeing eyes blind.” Suddenly, everybody in the room went blind.
“This is an order. Open fire!” said a voice. The soldiers began shooting randomly everywhere, killing MD and AJ, each other, and everyone in between.
Chapter 8 The Millenium
The news that evening wasn’t very concerned about the fate of the 2 witnesses and the 50 or so people that had been in the hall. Another story was in the headlines. A huge spaceship was hovering over Jerusalem.
“They said it couldn’t happen,” said the news reader, “but stranger things have happened in the last 5 years. Tonight, we have made contact with intelligent life. A huge spacecraft, 1500 miles long, is hovering over the Middle East and Europe. Even stranger, thousands of people are disappearing into thin air. The Maitreya issued the following statement.” Maitreya appeared on the screen.
“This is an evil spaceship that was sent here to destroy the world. It is gathering all the evil people from the world, the people who are disappearing, the people who would not believe in me. We will gather our armies from the ends of the earth to fight this evil.”
Meanwhile, a team of paramedics were attending the disaster in the hall where AJ and MD had held their press conference.
“Come up here,” came a loud voice from the sky, and AJ and MD came back to life and soared through the ceiling. An old lady one of the paramedics was examining, who still seemed to be alive, flew up with them.
“Oh well, there’s 3 patients we won’t have to treat,” said one of the paramedics.
MD and AJ stood together, amongst thousands of Christians from all over the world on what most people thought was a spaceship, which was actually Heaven’s city. It had a huge coloured pearl in each of its twelve windows, each pearl being a different beautiful colour, and each pearl was five miles across and five miles high. The sound of explosions shook the ship.
“What’s happening?” someone asked.
“Thousands of aircraft,” AJ explained, “each armed with a 5 Megaton nuclear warhead. But the forcefield is reflecting the missiles. They’re blowing up the aircraft.”
“What happens now?” asked someone else.
“We win,” said AJ. “Jesus will rule the world for a thousand years, and all the Christians with him.”
“Wonderful,” said MD. “I always wanted to be an MP in a caring, socialist government. Do you think Jesus will have me as a cabinet minister? Michael Bates could be Foreign Secretary and I could be Chancellor of the Exchequer.”
“I think we’ll all have positions in the government of God that would totally surprise us,” said AJ. “It’s just going to be so totally different to anything there’s been before.”
When the aeroplanes had all been destroyed, Heaven’s City landed at the foot of the Mount of Olives. Jesus came, shook hands and said hello to everybody. He didn’t have long hair, a moustache and a beard, and he wasn’t dressed in sackcloth. Neither was he wearing a suit. The Son of God, the creator of the world, in office shirt and trousers with a cheap pair of trainers and a short back and sides hair cut.
“Jesus,” said MD, “can I be a cabinet minister?”
“I don’t think my government actually has a cabinet in the way that you imagine,” said Jesus. “To govern is to serve.”
“If I serve people well enough do I get promotion? Will you give me a senior position?”
“There is no guarantee of that.”
“You’re right, Lord,” said MD. “There never was. Not even in a human government. One just has to serve. One just has to do what is needed.”
“Now you understand,” said Jesus. “I’m going to climb up to the top of the Mount of Olives, and when I get there, it’s going to split in half.”
“If the mountain splits in half, be careful that you don’t fall down the middle,” said one of the children.
“I won’t fall down the middle,” said Jesus. “For a start, I’m very unlikely to be standing in the exact centre, and secondly, I’m the Lord of Creation and I can split a mountain exactly where I want to. So don’t worry.”
“Jesus,” asked AJ, “you have got a sense of humour, haven’t you?”
“Yes, I’ve got a perfect sense of humour. I just don’t think that anything you and MDsay is funny. That’s why I wasn’t laughing.”
“Oh, thank you, Lord, I thought you were angry,” said MD.
“You are making fools of yourselves, not me,” Jesus explained.
Jesus walked up the Mount of Olives. It took a few hours for him to do this. The Christians were all worshipping at the foot of the mount. When the mount split in two, there was a tremendous roar of splintering Earth, and streams of water came flowing through the middle.
“Now the nations of the world will worship me,” said Jesus, in a supernatural voice that everyone could hear. “The survivors of the nations will come here, and bow down to worship. If they don’t do this, they will have no rain.” Then all the people danced, shouted and sang in great joy. The millennial reign of Christ had begun.
Zion Ben Nutcase Here
I’m going to conclude this story by saying what Dave McKay says in his novel, Survivors, and that is that when Jesus comes again it won’t happen exactly like this. I’m not a prophet. When Jesus actually does come again, some of the details will be different.