Fuck Me, It's Raining in Texas

I write to yee this day,
this glorious spring day,
as a purveyor of all that we have been given.

Look at that sun!
See how it shines!
Rays of silver and gold.
Ah shit, it's getting cold.

Our wonderful Texas weather.
One day it's breezy and 75,
the next its fuckin' snowing!

So I write this piece,
this little quip,
if you will,
as an ode to all that is Texas.

Anything new going on?
No!
Team win the playoffs?
No!
What about the cows?
Oh yes, the cows are always interestin'!

Phew it's hot, I tell you it's swelterin'.
Lets go for a swim in the pond!
Mosquitoes, malaria, hurray!

That's farmer Bill.
Try not to stare.
His tractor crushed his legs.
But not to worry,
he can still chug a beer.

How bout them them longhorns?
The steer, not the college.
Let's face it, UT's a lost cause.

See the men with the ten gallon hats?
Of course not!
John Wayne don't ride no more, sir.
But feel free to make a fool of yourself.

And the tele, the hell with it!
Out here we ain't got no reception.
We ain't even got TV's.

It's the sticks I tells ya!

Time for the drunken barn dance.
See that's how little Johnny was conceived.
It's ironic that he's rollin' in the hay tonight
considering that his date's his cousin.

Don't worry about Johnny though.
Since his dad's his brother,
he's pretty much sterile.

Here come the high schooler's
chugging their beers.
Where's Officer Hank?
Hell this is Texas, my friend,
he's the first one hammered!

Ah shit, the barn's on fire.
Someone's been smokin' again.
Don't worry boy's, we'll put it out.
We've all been drinking all night.
I tell you beer goes fast.

But I guess that's one plus about being a Texan;
size just ain't an issue.
Long as you got a gun.

Oh look! Look out there!
A deer! A deer!
Such a marvel of nature.
Quick, get the buckshot so we can blow its face off.

Hunting season, what a time!
Make little Billy a man!
Nothing says 'man' like shootin' off Bambi's leg.

Billy a queer?
Take 'em huntin'!
Billy a vegetarian?
Take 'em huntin'!
Billy like politics?
Well he's too far gone.

Remember, we're responsible for the Bush administration.

Just be careful to stay off Old McCready's land.
He's a bit lost in the head.
Thinks all trespassers are hippies.
He don't care for hippies.

Damn long hairs!
He says.
Trying to save the trees!
Hell, we'll blow up this planet before any global warmin' starts.

And let's not forget Randy.
Poor Randy.
He got abducted by them saucers.
Course he was drunk that night.
And high that night.
And he woke up in his buddy Earl's bed.
Poor Randy.
Those aliens got him all confused.

Well what a night.
It's sure been fun.
Remember to get yourself checked out.
And what luck, the night is still young!

But the party's over,
and we best get home.
Fuck me, can you believe it, it's rainin'!