A flash in the dark and I hear
The ostinato tone of my mobile phone.
Groggily I reach out
To where it Demands attention
From the Bedside table.
And there,
Grinning from the lime green glow
Is your message;
i miss u.
Shrieking I catapult you and your message
Into the wall and witness an explosion,
Like a miniature firework
As the sparks creep up the wallpaper.
I spent six months trying to forget.
Rocking myself to sleep with an empty
Vodka bottle. My heart would thunder
Every time I thought I glimpsed
Your reflection in a shop window
Or in a cobbled street
Littered with puddles like mirrors
Where I saw you standing behind me,
Scared that if I strayed too close
You would pull me under again.
But last time my head broke the surface
And I had been treading water.
Until now.
I turn over to the cold side of the pillow
Knowing that if I sleep
I will dream only of you.
Comments
Nathan Bednarek | August 14, 2008 - 13:53
Very beautiful MistakenMagic. I especially liked the second stanza. You have a talent for love poems. Well done, a lovely read.
N.B. ;-)
Macjoyce | August 14, 2008 - 16:57
Yes, again this is a very well-written poem, apart from the line-breaks. Try to avoid ending lines on little words like 'it', 'the', 'an' and 'with'. It's much better to start lines with little words than end them.
www.myspace.com/norwichfacetransplant
MistakenMagic | August 14, 2008 - 20:28
Thanks for the feed back Nathan :) This poem was truelly from the heart, and is autobiographical as you may have guessed!
Again thank you for the constructive criticism Macjoyce! I'll edit it now, be sure to drop by and tell me what you think!
Macjoyce | August 14, 2008 - 21:56
Hmmm. Yeah, basically, my advice for this poem is the same as that which I gave you for UFO. It's all about line-breaks and getting rid of unnecessary words, though this one seems mostly ok for necessary words. The only bit I think needs editing down is:
"My heart would thunder
Every time I thought I glimpsed
Your reflection in a shop window
Or in a cobbled street
Littered with puddles like mirrors"
Two points. 1: You don't need "I thought". You really did glimpse his reflection, even though you didn't.
2: You don't need both 'reflection' and 'mirrors'. It's too obvious and blunt. In fact, you probably don't need either. I'd go with:
My heart would thunder every time
I glimpsed you in a shop window
or the puddles of a cobbled street.
(Sorry, I've had to do it again!...)
www.myspace.com/norwichfacetransplant
MistakenMagic | August 14, 2008 - 22:06
Do you have an off switch? It's an incredibly rude thing to say, I'm aware, and I'm sure it will provoke another comment pointing out something else that is wrong with my poems.
Okay, that aside, is there anything that you find positive about my poems? You don't need my life story, you get that through my poetry, but my poems are so important to me, I love poetry, so having someone repeatedly scrutinize them is well, frankly, very upsetting. I took your criticism, I changed it, but you keep coming back with more!
Okay I've done it again. I'm being very childish and I'm sorry. But please, enough now.
Macjoyce | August 14, 2008 - 22:16
comment deleted
MistakenMagic | August 14, 2008 - 22:23
*Throws hands in the air*
Okay, I apologise. Very Bad day. No sleep for three days. I'm not in a great place at the moment and it's almost midnight. You were trying to help me and I shoved it back in your face this was very wrong of me. I have a flaw. I struggle with criticism. I need to sort this out, I know.
But calling me an ungrateful little girl was uneccessary and uncalled for.
Please can we just call a truce?
Macjoyce | August 14, 2008 - 22:38
comment deleted
Macjoyce | August 15, 2008 - 19:04
Freedom of speech is a wonderful thing.
tamara | September 1, 2008 - 21:59
I love this poem,it is a warm feeling when I read something I feel so connected to and I realise I am human!