Unidentified Falling Object

Now this is masterful. It’s full of brilliant imagery and the lines are wonderfully crafted.

Loved:
‘She had sold her shares in his heart and
In the panic had invested in someone
Else’s stocks.’

This poem deserves a cherry, well done.

This is clever, but could be sharper. Let's have a look...

"her last love letter written in hasty biro."

Hmmm. How would he know the letter was written hastily? He wasn't there. It's better to describe the actual writing, physically. Avoid adjectives and adverbs if you can. You can conjure up 'hasty' with a literal description.

"She had sold her shares in his heart and in the panic had invested in someone else’s stocks. He had been speculating on their doomed relationship for too long."

I think the line about speculating is too much. You're overdoing it with the love/finance metaphors, and making it too obvious. I'd say get rid of it. As for the rest, I think you use too many little words here, namely 'had', which makes the stocks/shares idea sound corny. How about:

"She'd sold her shares in his heart and in the panic,
Invested in someone else's stocks." - ?

Same problem with "Then plummeted just as his stocks had done". It's not subtle enough. Also, you've already used the word 'stocks'. How about:

"Then plummeted like his profits" - ?

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Thanks for the comment Nathan, I had prayed for a cherry for this one too, but we'll see about that!

Macjoyce, thanks for the constructive criticism, no one ever seems to critique my poems - that's not being arrogant! I wish they would as it is far more helpful :)

I too had my doubts about UFO, so I was waiting for a comment like this. Would 'scrawled in biro' fit better?

And totally agree with your two suggestions, shall edit them in now!

'Scrawled in biro' is better, yes, and maybe you could even give the ink a colour. Though I still think 'like' works better than 'as' in the penultimate line.

I think you already have a keen poetic mind and a strong personal style, so it'd be wrong for me to try and lead you off in a particular direction. But there are little tricks you can learn that will help you, and if I make you aware of them and at least suggest them, I can possibly do you some good. The main thing seems to be line-breaks, which are a tricky thing to get the hang of. I normally write rhyming and metric verse and so don't usually have this problem, and also I'm not an expert on the subject. But for what it's worth, it seems to me...

We need to start and end lines for reasons. We shouldn't just do it randomly. For example, ending on little words is clumsy and usually has no purpose. You can break a line mid-sentence if it sounds right and works well, and this can be good as it speeds the poem up. Always ending on a full-stop or comma makes a poem slow and repetitive. But if you do break mid-sentence (enjambement, it's called), you have to do it well. One bad thing that people do all the time is to end a line on the first word of a sentence, or start a line on the last word of a sentence. Or if not a sentence then a clause, like here, where you begin a line with 'Briefcase' and then a comma.

Also, you don't have to start every line with a capital. Capitalisation is mainly used for old poetry and for rhymed-metric poetry. In free verse, and with enjambement, like this, it feels a bit odd. The capitals feel like interruptions that halt the flow. That's just my personal opinion.

Another thing: you mix up the present and past tenses in this poem. I think that in a dramatic piece like this, the present tense is much better.

I don't like to rewrite people's work for them because that makes me feel like Hitler, but I think I ought to do it this once to try to show you what I mean. It's just a suggestion and of course, you don't have to agree. Here is how I would write and order this poem:

Toes curling over the edge of the roof
of his office, just a simple brush stroke
on the mountains of the New York skyline,
he prepares for his very own crash.
In one hand he clutches an empty briefcase,
in the other, her last love letter
scrawled in biro. She'd sold her shares
in his heart and in the panic,
invested in someone else's stocks.
Now, dressed in his black cashmere suit,
for his own funeral, thinking for a second
he might fly, he plummets like his profits,
then is embraced by the busy pavement.

I'm sorry to have to do that. I'll try not to do it again. But it's the only way I can show you what I mean.

As Shakespeare said, "Brevity is the soul of wit". You have a few lines and words that clog the poem up and could be dispensed with, in my opinion.

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Yes MistakenMagic, I tend to be too nice sometimes ;-p, sorry I'll try not to do it again.

Ok, I think I don't like to criticise people's work because I often get a little too democratic with the whole 'everyone has their own style' concept. The fact is that in order to develop your own unique style you should really keep an eye on the general rules and/or traditions of writing. That way you will end up with a very profound, sophisticated and emotional poem.

I promise not to be so nice anymore ;-p ‘till next time!

I've had enough experience on Myspace and youtube to know where this is going if I argue. I just have to tell you, not in a barbed way, that I don't really appreciate my poems being re-written for me.

I may only be sixteen, but I can fend for myself. I think sending a poet your re-write of their poem is one of the most insulting things you can do. But this is just my opinion. And I fully appreciate you were trying to help, and I have taken your criticism into account and edited my poem accordingly. I just feel you stepped a little over the line with your last comment. But thank you for the advice on line breaking ;) I really hope this doesn't turn into a comment war, because I really don;t want it to!

It was just a suggestion. I didn't force you to rewrite your poem. I was just trying to show you what I meant, by way of example. But as you find it insulting, I won't bother trying to help you anymore. Kid gloves, that's what everyone wants.

www.myspace.com/norwichfacetransplant

Nathan - your comments make me smile. They make me happy. Don't ever change.

Macjoyce, not that I'm taking sides here, but you said that you don't like re-writing other people's work; so why do it if you don't know how they'll react? MistakenMagic said she did appreciate your work so there’s no reason to hold a grudge against her comment.

On the other hand MistakenMagic (and I don’t want to get all parent-like here), but maybe you could’ve just said thanks and not get into it too much, even if it insulted you... Just trying to ease the tension... ;-) oh and it’s nice that you appreciate my comments so much MistakenMagic ;-) ‘till next time again!

seems the constructive crits helped (help me anyway) and in spite of the still somewhat obvious metaphors these are the backbone of the poem. The first 4 lines are an excellent opening. Margot

Because, Nathan, sometimes you have to do things you wouldn't normally do, if you think someone is worth it and could benefit from your efforts. Perhaps when you are older than 17 you will understand this properly.

www.myspace.com/norwichfacetransplant

Perhaps, Macjoyce, the fact that I'm 17 helps me to remember that my EGO shouldn't be the main issue here.
You missed my point completely. I am sorry if this offends you, but I'd rather do the thing I'd normally do than take criticism from somebody who seems to be unable to be a little more humble, even though the others in question are younger. But that's just my opinion...