Dear Ex

I’ve pondered a long time, what to say in this letter
My only motive is to make things better
I’ve finally come to terms with our divorce and separation
But if you’re not convinced, I understand your trepidation
My probation officer, a lovely girl called Mary
Says I must appreciate why you are still so wary
But honestly I can say, I wish you no harm
The psychoanalysis has worked like a charm
I now look back on how I acted with disgrace
I should never have even purchased the mace!
I can only plead for your charity
I see it now with such clarity
There was no excuse for my violent reaction
I’m heartily sorry you ended up in traction
I wish that I hadn’t put it in reverse
No doubt that made your injuries worse
But as the Judge said at my trial
I was a broken woman in denial
I can only plead temporary insanity
The court understood and accepted my plea
Can you Ex-husband, allow that my thinking was skewed?
I’d just found out, it was my best friend that you screwed
Oh now that sounds like I’m not taking responsibility
Like it can all be blamed on your lies and duplicity
I’ve grown up since then, it takes 2 to let a marriage fail
I thought about that most nights, whilst on remand in jail
And I’ve pondered deeply the words that you said
How our marriage was already over, done, dusted and dead
But I have to admit, that comment still niggles just a little
It was news to me you see, and it made me a touch brittle
But enough of that, more confessions to make
I need it all off my chest for my consciences sake
Yes, I put sugar in your convertibles’ petrol tank
That was a very immature and childish prank
I arranged for the attack by that vicious mugger
Then I called him up with your pin number
And at the time I even thought that it was funny
That he refunded me my fee, out of your money
And it was me that told her husband, but I stand by that
What’s good for the goose etc, just call it tit for tat
It’s unfortunate I admit, that he was your immediate boss
But quite frankly by that stage, I couldn’t give a toss
I hear the repercussions are ongoing of her ex-husbands wrath
I’m sad to hear that you and she didn’t survive the aftermath
But one act of mine I cannot begin to explain, much less endorse
Please believe me when I plead the most genuine of remorse
I posted a snap to your parents, of you in my lacy knickers
I swear I didn’t know about your fathers’ dodgy ticker
Is it true they’ve moved away
And won’t even give you the time of day?
At least I spared them the shots of you dressed up in my stockings
I sent that to your Rugby club. Tell me are the lads still mocking?
Naughty of me to pick one that had your wee pee-pee on show
Is it true they are now calling you ‘Mr Eleventh Toe’?
But I’ve news myself of the club, perhaps you Remember John?
You know the one, in the locker room, they call him King Dong
It’s been an education and my illusions are shattered
Did I really used to say, that size doesn’t matter?
Well it was John who first suggested that I should somehow try to atone
Especially now you have no friends, are unemployed and live alone
at first I thought it might be best to confess straight to your face
then I realised, no can do, the restraining order’s still in place
I hope I’ve managed with pen and paper, to give the right impression
I wish I could see for myself, and judge from your expression
So I’ve said it all, confessed the lot, held nothing in reserve
It just remains to wish you ex-husband, the life that you deserve.