Dear Mr. Bowie,
I would just like to apologise for the poor quality of the dream you were in last night.
The very poor attendance at the concert in Weston-super-Mare is, I am sure, not indicative of the usual level of interest in your live performances.
I would like to thank you, personally, for a very entertaining show with great new songs that I am sure you will have some success with.
I would also like to point out that the reason there was no applause for you and your band at the end was because, on reflection, I considered that shouting "Thanks David" would be appreciated more than hearing one person clapping in the hall, which always sounds a little sad.
Finally, thank you, David, for the small act of kindness in coming down to the floor to chat as your band packed their gear. I am sorry I could not find the records in my collection that we discussed. Glad you got fixed up at the hotel.