Rhythmic, meaningful, cryptic, thought-provoking: everything I strive for when I write. I want to write like that; I want to write like you. Embellished, inflated, fake, stolen: the inevitable final product. How many times have I gone back and deleted? Deleted because it didn’t sound right, or it was too straightforward. How many times have I held back, because I knew it wasn’t what you wanted to hear? How many times have I sat idly by while you say he is one of the good ones; for how long have I allowed myself to believe that?
So I write it down, but for what good? The internet will know.That’s something right? But no consequences will come of it; nothing will change; and no one that matters will know. I will know. But I am a coward; I am a fraud, I am not a good person.
A flawless social filter does not make me a good person; it makes me a mute — to say nothing is to take no chances, to die a man who only I know. You will see a man in the coffin, but I will always feel like a boy. Which is real, the pieced together with borrowed personalities, or the boy who never made it outside of these walls?
I hope someone finds out. I fear that someone will find out. Please, God, someone call me on this game I play, make me answer to the truth.
Comments
Blessing | January 2, 2012 - 14:49
You've written a very transparent piece about how you're feeling right now and it is a very courageous thing to do. I hope you will come to recognise that change starts with the recognition that you want to change and that it takes time.
hulsey | October 30, 2012 - 12:26
Every writer has their own unique voice, Pauper, and you are no different. A few years ago, an American woman on another writing site was popular and over friendly. We used to comment on her work, rightly praising it. However, it transpired that she was stealing the works of other writers.
As I commented on another of your posts, you write well. Continue your progressive dream and hopefully you will be rewarded.