A Letter

Dear Mr Johnston

You may recall recently, outside the Regal cinema in the high street, a riot taking place. During the disgraceful scenes my shop was broken into and several uncooked jupati’s were stolen.

It is with regret I have to inform you that if you were responsible for the removal of said food, you must take care when cooking them. If they’re not fried for exactly four minutes and 37 seconds, a spice contained inside becomes unpleasant to taste, it will also bring on a bad attack to the stomach. My mother, Rajaphet, went on her first visit to India last month and she was amazed at how the three wheeler bike is now mechanised and races customers between restaurants. If you survive eating my jupati’s you may like to book a holiday there yourself. I have a cousin who owns a package holiday company called Go India. He will be very pleased to quote you a price. I also noticed, when you threw the brick through my window, that you have a pain in your wrist - probably arthritis. In her spare time my wife practises the ancient Indian art of muscle bending. It is not very painful to the patient and her fees are reasonable. After three or four sessions with her you will find throwing bricks much less uncomfortable than at present.

You may be wondering how I got your address. It was quite simple really. During your quick exit on the crossbar of your friends bike, you left a zimmer frame behind, it had your name and address on it. Before I hand it over to the police and the brick with your fingerprints on, you may like to phone my nephew who has a solicitor’s office. He has assured me he will do a special deal for a pensioner.

As I sign off, I must tell you we have an offer from Monday to Thursday next week - 2 vindaloo’s for the price of one. For you though, if you will sign photos’ of my broken window taken by my son with his new digital camera and on sale for £1.99, I will throw in a properly cooked jupati.

Yours
Gupta Patel-Garget