5/11/11 a bit above Bewdley
Heavy, steady Severn flow
reflecting banks of autumn trees;
steam train chuffs and chugs, and whistles by,
not disturbing ducks, and geese
and swans;
surprise that here and there, there’s still
struggling straggly scattered flowers:
campion, comfrey, daisies, yarrow
– milder air in riverside hollows.
Kingfisher skimming (once I missed it),
but I saw the long-tailed tits –
tree pulsating, evening flits
of chattering group;
and as sunset caught the water,
a swan came ploughing forward,
strong wake following
like reins from snow-white steed
towing gliding stately queen,
wings arched up above its back
– graceful wave from chariot drawn,
and only two to watch, admire.
Comments
Blessing | November 8, 2011 - 12:55
Reminds me of an autumnal scene in the countryside with man's industrial presence in the landscape being that of the steam engine.
Rhiannonw | November 8, 2011 - 14:56
Yes, thanks. The swans were rather a bonus surprise at the end! It's good how much good countryside there is near busy, industrial areas, and often quite quiet. We often walk in mid-Wales, and usually pass very few or no-one on the walk.
Rh
jennifer | November 8, 2011 - 19:15
Really flows well, a visual feast and a great rhythm. Fab imagery - you've really taken the reader to the scene.
My one criticism is that you slightly over-use the comma when sometimes the poem does not need it grammatically - trust that your line breaks and the natural ups and downs of the words will create the rhythm for you and don't try to force it by using too many commas.
A lovely piece of writing.
J x
Rhiannonw | November 8, 2011 - 19:34
Thank you, Jenny, and for the comment to look at that punctuation. Nice to get the cherries! Rh
jennifer | November 8, 2011 - 19:39
You deserve them! Well done!
J x
Rhiannonw | November 8, 2011 - 19:58
Hope I've calmed the punctuation down satisfactorily! Rh
jennifer | November 8, 2011 - 20:00
Better, yes - now one more thing - that first 'and swans' - lose that, it messes with the flow. Then full stop after 'geese', making 'Surprise' a capital,
J x
ScoZen | November 9, 2011 - 17:42
I do like your nature tales Rhiannonw.
Reminds me to slow up.
Rhiannonw | November 9, 2011 - 17:55
What a nice comment, thank you! They are partly to remind me what I have seen when I've actually got out for long enough to look around me!