Now that I am older, and wiser I feel so comfortable with advice. Too often no one wants to listen, so I am going to email my grandson this missive. After all, I knew so little when my own son was a teen, with wild eyes whenever a goil came around. Wow, chicks, he used to say, no-no, they are ladies, girls, well yes chicks is really not so bad. Whoa, I’m digressing a little, so back up and get to the subject. Let me think, oh yeah---
At 15 you have responsibilities, and decorum and my advice to you is as follows on your very important step in life, a first date:
Take a shower, yes, I know you do, but keep it under fifteen minutes. Leave some hot water for other people. It’s called consideration, besides, you don’t want to meet your girl smelling like a moose, or looking like a lobster. She may not like lobster, even though they are delicious. She may not like moose either. Now where was I---oh yes…
Dress up so all your tattoos don’t show. She may not like snakes writing on your arms when you bulge your biceps. Wait until, well you’ll find out as you grow older. And do you have to wear your nose ring? Well, if you must. Wear clean clothes, not the ones you kick under the bed. And clean socks, I’ll lend you some if you wish. I know only having only two pairs is hard. But your mom keeps telling you to get more.
Please don’t wear those tight jeans, you don’t really want to tease her on your first date, bulging all over. Be a gentleman. Oh yes, and don’t forget your pocket Bible. Whenever your eyes begin to wander, or you feel crazy, squeeze the good book, you won’t regret it.
Let’s see now, got washed, clothed, mouth full of Listerine (you don’t have to swallow it, make sure you spit it out); get your dad’s jacket he grew out of ten years ago and your best running shoes. I know you only have a pair of boots besides them, but you have to wear something you can dance in and my shoes don’t fit you.
Get some flowers, they may mute the smell of your Super Duper two handfuls of shaving lotion you’ll probably slather all over yourself. Make sure she smells the flowers right away. Now phone me when you are ready and grandpa will be a chauffeur for this special time. I’ll even open the car door for you, but only this first time. After that, it’s up to you.
Now grandson, you know I love you very much and this advice is very important to follow. Every step is important. And after your date is all over , I would like you to send me a note and tell me how much fun you had. Love, from granddad.
© Richard L. Provencher