There’s concrete in your eyes.
Your hug was long, loud, dramatic in delivery,
But those eyes are hissing me away.
You are wishing I had never come.
If everything was as it should be I’d have sailed on the boat.
He’d be all yours and I’d be all at sea, unknown, perfectly absent.
You’d be standing here, your arm linked into his arm,
Your laugh curling into the breeze.
I am marked with your perfume as I stand and regard you,
I am hoping for your smile.
You position my new love in a way that suits you best.
The sun should not obscure your view and neither should I.
You stand between he and I and make the divide for the first time.
This is the dance that your feet will follow,
Yet my heart cannot let you cut in.
Your man-boy creation fills your gaze and you are smitten again.
He is so beautiful.
So funny,
So clever,
So kind,
So handsome,
So capable.
He deserves so much because he is so much.
Your determination unfolds and recharges.
You tell your dreams for his future that they should not scurry away quite so quickly;
That they may not need to tidy up after all.
You wonder if perhaps I am not the obstacle I appear to be.
Perhaps you can get me back on the boat.
I hold my ground, admire another view.
You can cut in today.
Comments
russiandoll | August 19, 2009 - 13:52
Hi folks would really appreciate some feedback on correct punctuation for this piece - I'm not sure if what I've done has spoiled it or if it works for someone reading it for the first time.
Thanks
tcook | August 20, 2009 - 13:27
This works very well as it is - I did read it through a number of times but that was only because there's a lot in it.
Good stuff.
russiandoll | August 20, 2009 - 15:17
Thank you for the feedback, I really appreciate it.
I wonder if I can call this a poem or is that stretching the term a little?
russiandoll | August 20, 2009 - 15:19
Ooh and thanks abctales for the cherry - I'm so chuffed! :)))
sunshine | August 20, 2009 - 15:50
An interesting account and presented in an interesting and slightly challenging format, but it does work. Margot
Cavalcaderl | August 20, 2009 - 19:42
New russiandoll
Congratualtions on the cherry
I love the verse
If everything was as it should be.
I'd have sailed on the boat.
He'd be all yours?
and I'd be all at sea.
unknown, perfectly absent.
you'd be standing here, your arm
linked into his arm,
Your laugh!
curling into the breeze.
great
julie cavalcader (;-
threeleafshamrock | August 20, 2009 - 20:33
You can call it what you like; I'd just call it very good!
russiandoll | August 20, 2009 - 20:56
Aw thanks guys.....
Julie I like how you've chopped up the lines in your comment. I may play with my copy a bit and see what happens (I won't edit this posted one any further).
Thanks again all.
xx
Cavalcaderl | August 20, 2009 - 22:14
New russiandoll
gee! thankyou
only I forget the verse unless
write it down first.
I'm new as can be.
thankyou yes use it.
julie x cavalcader
sarah wilson | August 22, 2009 - 10:44
Beautiful - well deserved cherry
sarah x
russiandoll | August 22, 2009 - 14:42
Aw thanks Sarah :))
But is it a poem folks?
ankari | August 22, 2009 - 22:06
I think it works well as a poem, it works almost perfectly at first read, especially the first few stanzas!
ankari x
threeleafshamrock | August 22, 2009 - 22:27
I have read it again and it is even better! This really does grow on you; like a suntan; excellent!
russiandoll | August 31, 2009 - 20:52
Thanks guys - really appreciate the feedback, good to know it's reading fine to others. :))
darkenwolf | August 17, 2010 - 08:42
definitely a poem and a good one. and you really do imagery very well.
russiandoll | August 20, 2010 - 14:00
Thank you darkenwolf, I'm enjoying your work too. Ain't we lucky to have this place?
darkenwolf | August 20, 2010 - 16:45
aren't we just ;)
Cavalcaderl | August 21, 2010 - 23:13
new russiandoll
Yep! certainly are,
sorry probably in a hurry
to go out. And I spelt congratulation's
wrong, whoops! maybe should copied same
lines like your's, computer is temperamental
like me. I enjoyed love poem.
julie x
russiandoll | September 24, 2010 - 10:45
Thx Julie :)