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Sentimental, poignant, lovely !
One line didn't work for me:

'Modified by all I see'

I really like this. I love the subtle variations in rhythm. You have a talent for rhythm, I think and the poem reads like a true ode.

If you don't mind a critique though, there are one or two tiny problems. Ordinarily they might not matter but in a poem so strong on rhythm, they jar a little.

I'll just mention one 'cos the other would get a bit technical for a simple comment on here.

Anyway, there's an issue with using 'idea'. You know how you want to deliver your poem but a reader doesn't, not until the rhythm is established. For the rhythm (metre) to work, one has to stress the first syllable of 'idea' which is not immediately obvious to a reader, especially as the second syllable is normally the one stressed. I'm not suggesting you change it but try the poem in your head with 'notion' instead of 'idea' and you'll probably see what I mean. 'Notion' naturally falls into the rhythm whilst 'idea' has to be manipulated a bit.

Hope you don't mind the comment but I like the poem enough to think that it was worth raising with you.

Helvigo Jenkins

Thank you chooselife :)

I don't mind at all Helvigo, really appreciate all feedback, it's really helpful. Thank you too.

If russiandoll doesn't mind the attention, I think it would be useful and interesting to hear your other suggestions, Helvigo.

Perhaps you could start a new forum topic in Discuss writing from ABCTales ?

I don't mind and have found Helvigo's feedback really helpful and interesting in the past, so, happy to go there...

Originally I used the word 'picture' where 'idea' is now. I swapped the words out because in my actual thinking about the concept of home, rather than the flow of this poem, the thoughts are kind of a big mind map, rather than a visual. The reason for this is that I know I need to keep my thoughts open to all real visual opportunities so that when we go house hunting in the future I'm not writing off things based purely on how they look, if you see what I mean?

The word 'modified', well, that was to contrast with the kind of fairy tales images of unicorns, etc., a bit like sitting a protactor next to a fluffy white feather, I guess.

I think there's a bigger piece of work to come out of this poem; I still have so many feelings and ideas about what my family's home should and shouldn't be and am only now really starting to openly give them voice.

Thanks again guys :))

D'you know, I think 'picture' works better for me. It adds something and incidentally ties up the second stanza more completely. Also, of course, it meets the criterion I would have set, as discussed before.

Not sure I really want to get into a debate about metre and traditional poesy as opposed to free verse forms or whatever. I fear that is exactly what would happen if I started a forum topic. It usually degenerates into people merely advocating their own preferences. I also know myself well enough to realise that I have a tendancy towards pedagogy and, even worse, pedantry. I have to be on my guard not to be tempted to indulge in them.

I commented here because I like poetry that has a strong rhythm and this is an excellent example.

So, to you both ... May the muse be with you.

Helvigo Jenkins

lol Helvigo, and with you...

Re my 'idea'.. maybe I'll swap it back to picture and play with that for a while - thanks :)

wow, thank you for the cherry abctales!!! A very happy Friday :)))

A sofa full of kisses.'

Nicely done. And you had Helvigo pitching in. He knows his metres.

Yeah, I'd have to agree with Helvigo about 'idea'.

Also, I'm not sure about the final line. It's a bit vague and I'm not sure I understand it. I reckon a poem as good as this deserves a punchy final line. It is indeed a very lovely poem, especially "a sofa full of kisses"... hmmm... I long for one of those too...

thanks Archie - I think picture does work better, you're right. Don't think I should change the piece post cherry but REALLY appreciate the feedback. I guess the last line alludes to the idea (there I go again) that the concept of home described by the poem is incomplete and open to including other scenes as yet unknown... On a more practical note it is also about the fact that when written, we had a loft, a garage and a storage unit full of belongings that we had no space for - many were inherited and many more came from a time when we had a bigger house and then had to downsize. That all sounds grand, in reality it was very average, very wearing and very hard work. I felt like small pieces of me were packed into boxes, like a dissassociated jigsaw, waiting a bit mournfully to be reunited.

Thank you for commenting on this. Seeing this piece again has been really quite joyful; now I'm 'home', and so are all our things and it isn't picture perfect, I actually hope it never will be - I find perfection too cheesey now - but it's ours :))

thanks for this comment which I'm sorry to have missed back in May last year celticman. Helvigo does indeed know his stuff - I was really chuffed to hear his thoughts :)