Don’t come here, Death.
Don’t visit anymore.
It’s not that you’re not welcome,
I don’t wish to upset.
It’s just that now I like life,
I don’t want to die. Not yet.
Don’t park your car outside.
Don’t knock upon the door.
Don’t press the doorbell with intention.
Oh, and did I tell you, did I mention?
I want to get old.
Very old.
Don’t come here, Death.
Last time you came you caused such a stir.
It’s taken a long time, to clean up the mess, to air out the rooms.
I wear colour again now.
The kids are settled.
We have everything we need.
Come when I get old.
Come when I’m ready for you.
Come when the kids have grandkids.
Come when I’ve forgotten my name,
When my hair is a wisp of white,
When I wear a smile but can’t hear what anyone’s saying anymore.
Visit me then.
We’ll have good coffee and moist, rich cake.
We’ll sit down and regard each other.
I’ll be pleased to see you;
It will have been a long time since we met.
I’ll come quietly;
I’ll hold your hand with my fingertips.
You can help me out of my chair.
My bag will be packed.
I’ll leave a lamp on.
Comments
russiandoll | February 4, 2009 - 13:44
I wonder if I should give it some more rhythm at the end? Perhaps a light paragraph at the end which takes the reader back to me in the present, and away from me the old lady.
Any thoughts?
Cheers
Ewan | February 4, 2009 - 13:54
No, for me it's fine as it is... 'I'll leave a lamp on' is a great last line. I might split your two long lines in the last stanza, but it's your poem.
Really liked this.
Ewan
russiandoll | February 4, 2009 - 16:03
Thank you for your feedback.
I think you're right about the two long lines - it's better when they're split.
Many thanks again.
threeleafshamrock | February 4, 2009 - 17:16
...Come when I’ve forgotten my name,
When my hair is a wisp of white,
When I wear and a smile but can’t hear what anyone’s saying any more.... Brilliant! What a perfect description. Love this piece; you don't write everyday but when you do it's worth reading....and this is worth another cherry methinks!
Chris X
russiandoll | February 4, 2009 - 21:06
Thank you!
I've changed what were the long running lines as suggested by Ewan and I've closed up a couple of gaps between the stanzas too.
Enjoyed writing this one. Appreciate the feedback very much - cheers!
xx
jennifer | February 5, 2009 - 13:32
Like Ewan, I love the last line and indeed the whole of the last stanza...the idea of having coffee and cake with death tickles me..
J x
russiandoll | February 5, 2009 - 14:24
Thank you J - that idea tickles me too.
I thought about giving Death biscuits with the coffee but decided it was definitely a cake event, lol.
jennifer | February 5, 2009 - 18:45
Oh yes, definitely a cake event- moist, rich - I picture Jamaica Ginger cake... or a brandy-steeped fruit cake!
Now I want cake!
J x
Nathan Bednarek | February 6, 2009 - 01:28
Wow, this is so powerful and the last stanza is just overwhelming.
A beautiful poem and a truly spellbinding story. Well done.
Nathan.
russiandoll | February 6, 2009 - 16:57
Thank you!
sunshine | May 18, 2009 - 17:28
excellent, I too love the last line - why aren't seeing more from you.
russiandoll | May 18, 2009 - 22:13
Thank you Sunshine, I'm trying to get more thoughts down in type and hope to be adding pieces on a more regular basis from now on. Feedback is so helpful and not a small bit addictive! Thanks again.
sarah wilson | July 20, 2009 - 12:52
Well your posts have been great so far! Quality writing, much enjoyed by me:)
russiandoll | July 22, 2009 - 21:09
Thanks Sarah :)
Archie_Macjoyce | September 22, 2012 - 00:34
Lovely stuff... Don't think you should change anything here, especially not the ending, which is the best bit - flippant and poignant at the same time...
russiandoll | September 22, 2012 - 09:55
Thanks Archie - that's the mix I was going for. I fear death immensely, but I'm fecked if I'm going to let that fear stop me from having a good time in the present.