Out For Blood 18


from the ABC set OFB

As the shouting had gotten them absolutely nowhere, Jill tried another tactic. ‘Gee Hal; boss lady sure slapped your ass.’ she said.

Hal had closed the door and was sat back at his desk and said nothing; he turned the shoe box over emptying out the remaining contents. A fuel receipt, a road map of North Carolina, and a pair of worn sneakers.

Vicky joined in. ‘Hey Hal, was that yo’ mamma? Maan she’s almost as ugly as you are.’ there was still no reply from Hal.

Then another crack of bone came from the cell next to theirs. Jill looked round again and so did Vicky this time. They stared at the body, watching as it began to twitch. First one leg then the other, each time the cracking of bone echoing in the small room.

‘Hey Vicky,’ said Jill. ‘Those legs were broken, right?’ the legs Jill spoke of were now straight and looked quite normal.
‘We didn’t kill him!’ announced Vicky.

Hal picked up the keys from his desk and opened the other cell door. Then he unceremoniously pulled the leather jacket off the mans’ back and also the T-shirt that was underneath. He then spread-eagled the man out and closed the shackles around each of his limbs.

‘What the fuck are you doing?’ shouted Jill.
‘It’s time this fucker was cleansed!’ Hal said, and for the first time let out a small laugh.
‘What’s so fucking funny, he’s alive… he should see a doctor.’ said Jill.
‘He’s no more alive than the rest of us… not countin' you two o’course.’

When Hal had finished shackling the man to the floor he reached up and unfastened the bolts holding the hatch shut. When it was open the hatch door rested against the wall just above the bench.

‘What’s that for?’ asked Jill referring to the now open hatch.
‘This? said Hal. ‘Well how does that song go now? Ya know the one from that old movie starring Robert Redford. Ahh yes…’ he then began to sing. ‘Raindrops keep fallin’ on my head.’ then once more he laughed, this time from deep in his throat.

Jill stood and looked at the man shackled to the floor in the next cell; the gash on his forehead had disappeared. He wasn’t conscious, but he was alive.

Vicky then moved over to their cell door. ‘Hey crater-face, what did that bitch mean when she said I’ll be ready for breeding soon?’

Hal sat back down and rested his elbows on his desk, and placed his broad square chin on his closed fists. ‘Well little lady,’ he began. ‘Seein’ as you is a virgin, your just what we need. We got a nice stud lined up for you missy.’ he said this with a huge smile on his face.

Jill had no idea Vicky was still a virgin, she really wanted to talk to her about it, but right now was not the time.
‘None of you will ever get near me.’ said Vicky through clenched teeth.
‘What you gonna do, refuse?’ again he laughed.

‘No, I’ll… I’ll kill myself first.’ stammered Vicky.
‘Or I’ll kill her.’ shouted Jill.

Vicky looked around in shock at what Jill had just said. ‘What the fuck is she saying?' Then she saw the glint in Jills’ eye and remembered what the “bitch” had said just before leaving. “See to it she comes to no more harm.”

Vicky then head butted one of the bars, and it hurt like hell.
Hal stood up, his knees hitting the desk and shunting it forward. ‘What the fuck are you doing?’ he shouted

Vicky had no idea what she was doing; she hoped Jill had a plan. She butted the bars once again, and once again it hurt like hell. Hal picked up the cattle-prod and ran over to the cell opening the door. Vicky moved over far right and Jill moved over far left. Hal knew he would have to incapacitate the dark haired one before he could stop the blond from damaging herself further.

He moved in Jills’ direction and pushed the cattle-prod hard into her stomach and zapped her for two or three seconds. Twitching Jill dropped to the floor and Hal grabbed her by the throat with one huge gloved hand, and then started to squeeze.

Jill lay there stunned from the cattle-prod, staring up at the ceiling as the life was rapidly being crushed from her. She felt her eyes bulging, almost ready to pop out of their sockets. She tried desperately to breathe but there was no chance of that, not under this huge mans vice-like grip.

Vicky looked up at the open cell door; “If I could get out I could run for help.” she thought. “But by then Jill would undoubtedly be dead.” she jumped on Hals’ back and clawed frantically at his scarred face in an attempt to free her friend; Hal dropped the cattle-prod and it rolled under the bench resting against the wall.

He pulled Vicky off his back landing her against the bars, and then he gripped Jills’ neck with both his hands. Jill could feel him squeezing tighter and tighter, then all of a sudden Hal felt the dark haired one start to go limp, then Jills’ whole world went black.

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Comments

Dynamaso | June 10, 2008 - 06:46

While this maintains the tension of the previous chapters, there are a few grammar and spelling errors that need tidying.

None of these took anything away from my enjoyment of this chapter, though. Can't wait to read more.

sabital | June 10, 2008 - 07:09

Please feel free to point them out, I know when I see them in books it steals part of the imagination. Just found one spelling error... But the grammar???

Dynamaso | June 10, 2008 - 07:29

Oh, I know I'm being pedantic but here are a few instances:

‘Gee Hal; boss lady sure slapped your ass.’ she said.

‘Raindrops keep fallin’ on my head.’ then once more he laughed, this time from deep in his throat.

Where you've closed the dialog, you've used a full stop instead of a comma. There are a few more instances of this throughout.

I hope you don't mind me being this picky...

sabital | June 10, 2008 - 08:21

I used a full stop when the person stopped talking, where is the error? If anyone else can see this as an error please let me know!
If,Dynamaso, you are talking about me not capitalising the "he said" "she said" at the end of the dialogue... this I believe is down to personal preference. 'Check through some books you may have lying around, some authors do capitalise some... do not!' he said hoping the matter was settled.

Dynamaso | June 10, 2008 - 10:55

I'm not talking about "he said" "she said". I'm talking about where, for instance, you have:

'Raindrops keep fallin' on my head.' then once more he laughed, this time from deep in his throat.'

I believe it should read:

'Raindrops keep fallin' on my head,' then once more he laughed, this time from deep in his throat.

As I said, this is very small.

sabital | June 10, 2008 - 11:19

Hello again Dynamaso, I do use that method, if the character adds dialogue after the description of his/her actions. As below...

‘Hey Vicky,’ said Jill. ‘Those legs were broken, right?’

jennifer | June 10, 2008 - 11:42

In which instance you should put:

'Hey Vicky,' said Jill, 'those legs were broken, right?'

You have again used a full stop where there should be a comma. You have broken one sentence with 'said Jill' - there are not two sentences in this instance.

Plus, with regards earlier points, capital letters always follow full stops, and also exclamation marks. Questions marks and capitals after are debatable, but capitals never come after commas (unless a proper noun is used).

Therefore,

'Raindrops keep fallin' on my head.' then once more he laughed, this time from deep in his throat.'

Is perfectly correct (to disagree with Dynamaso), except for the lack of a capital on 'then'.

However, very enjoyable reading, action-packed stuff!

And one further point - Dynamaso, you seem to be confused. While punctuation may alter grammatical sense, it is not in itself grammar.

sabital | June 10, 2008 - 11:56

Now that was creative critisism.
Thank you Jennifer, it helps no end. I'll have OFB finished in a week or so and on my first edit I will alter this error.
Thanks again.

jennifer | June 10, 2008 - 15:37

Glad I could be of help!

I am such a geek!

Dynamaso | June 10, 2008 - 23:33

Sabital, I really do hope I haven't made an ass of myself. I was only trying to help.

Jennifer, you're correct, of course. It is punctuation, not grammar.

sabital | June 11, 2008 - 05:03

Dynamaso, all help is gladly accepted. And if it's useful... I'll use it!
But hey... I'm pleased you're enjoying the read.

Dynamaso | June 11, 2008 - 05:31

Oh, yes, very much so. In fact, it is the sort of story I would actively seek out. Can't wait for more.

Incidentally, if it makes it easier, my name is Mark. Good to meet you :)

tcook | June 11, 2008 - 11:07

Good to see the boxes working! I'm really enjoying this too - and it isn't my kind of stuff at all so that's saying something.

jennifer | June 11, 2008 - 11:48

You haven't made an ass of yourself, you've just met a bigger language geek, that's all!

sabital | June 11, 2008 - 12:37

Again, thank you for the Cherries Tony. And your comments are appretiated, as are everyones'.