Village girls in gingham frocks,
farmers in their Sunday smocks,
trestle-tables lined with cloths.
Bunches of forget-me-nots
festoon the old oak rafters.
A piper plays a sarabande,
boys and girls dance hand in hand,
the wives and lovers make their plans
for their happy-ever-afters.
Morning breaks, the night has flown,
it seems the boys to men have grown
as they each put on their uniform,
for Gallipoli they leave at dawn
in their bid to save the Empire.
The girls all smile and wave goodbye
the children ask their elders, ‘Why?’
The wives and lovers wipe their eyes
and as the clock chimes half-past five
they set off in coats of fire.
On furrowed soil a father weeps,
a mother rocks her child to sleep,
church-towers ring their bells of peace
forget-me-nots of memories sweet
lay heavy on a coffin.
Comments
Macjoyce | September 4, 2008 - 12:25
There's a really good structure at work in this poem, Frau Silberngesponnensand, with some wonderful rhymes and a nice repetition of the forget-me-not theme, coming back with a war/death significance.
But I think it's a shame that you only keep up the end-of-verse rhyme in the first two verses. I can understand why you'd want the 'coffin' line not to rhyme, as it is so desolate, but I think the 'soldiers' and 'war' lines ought to rhyme. If you tweaked and perfectified this poem, it could be really great.
The first verse sounds a bit odd, as it sounds like the oak rafters are festooned not only with forget-me-nots, but also with tables, farmers and girls. Maybe a full-stop is in order somewhere.
Also, are you sure about sentences like "The girls, they dance" and "the cock, it crows"? It just sounds a bit forced to me. Would you consider something like "the girls all dance" and "the cockerel crows"?
The only line I really dislike is "the wives and lovers plans they make". The syntax here is very unnatural and is only like that in order to force a rhyme. What you mean, of course, is "The wives and lovers make their plans", which doesn't rhyme, but I'm sure you could find a better way of saying it, that does rhyme.
www.myspace.com/norwichfacetransplant
Silver Spun Sand | September 4, 2008 - 12:42
Guten Tat, Herr Mac. Have just noticed your, as usual, more than helpful crit and shall have an in depth look at it later on this afternoon. At the moment, have to go to the DIY shop. The kitchen sink has sprung a leak. Water everywhere.
Sincere thanks to you, as always.
Frau SSS
Silver Spun Sand | September 4, 2008 - 17:59
Thanks so much Mac. I've re-written it quite extensively. I agree with you on every point and very much appreciate your help. If not perfect, it is better than it was.
Flood averted, by the way.
Tina;-)
Macjoyce | September 5, 2008 - 10:52
Yes, that's much better. I especially like 'coats of fire'. It works as a pun on redcoats and literal coats that are on fire, and is very evocative. Also, 'sarabande' is a great word to get into a poem.
I think this poem is now perfect except for the third verse. This is the troublesome one, for a few reasons:
Firstly, "the boys to men have grown" is again an example of forced and unnatural syntax. Secondly, unlike the other verses, the rhyme in this one changes, from flown/grown to uniform/dawn. And thirdly, 'empire' doesn't really rhyme with 'fire', because the stress is on 'em'.
I hope you're not exhausted by my repeated critiques. It would be awful if they made you give up, which is what some people do. I just think this is a particularly good poem of yours, which could achieve a lot if it realised all of its potential.
Not a drop to drink,
Herr Mackchen
www.myspace.com/norwichfacetransplant
Silver Spun Sand | September 5, 2008 - 11:59
Dear Herr Mackchen, Please, please don't ever stop critiquing. There is no such thing as a perfect anything and others' ideas and input are invaluable.
I'm forever messing around with my stuff;-)
I shall certainly take a lot, at some depth, at your ideas and comments.
Have a good weekend, Mac. Shame about the weather, though. And thanks again, for all your help.
Frau Silben Sand