If he asks about the rose
the languid ache
behind your breast
is a petal still pink
in a bed for two
Discuss this piece in the abctales forum
Stan | December 9, 2011 - 22:11
Succinct. Beautiful. Your images are so precise.
scratch | December 9, 2011 - 22:27
It's good Sue. I always crave this stuff, simple honest and well written.
Look at the second and third line and consider a punctuation to make the flow even better.
Stan | December 9, 2011 - 22:32
I see your point, Scratch... but I think the line break is punctuation enough. e e cummings comes to mind. I like the fact that the poem has no punctuation at all, so the thought and image flow uninterrupted.
scratch | December 9, 2011 - 22:34
On reflection I see that you are correct. Its strange how you see things differently on second sight.
Stan | December 9, 2011 - 22:38
That's generous, mate, thanks. I'm usually wrong with these things.
scratch | December 9, 2011 - 22:39
Sue, this is a superb poem. Much better than first read. I really applaude it.
And do you know what, forget my earlier comment.
scratch | December 9, 2011 - 22:40
sue dinum | December 10, 2011 - 00:39
Thanks very much, scratch, for all your comments, I'm really chuffed you enjoyed it.
sue dinum | December 10, 2011 - 00:43
And thanks to you also, Stan, for some lovely comments. You and scratch have made my evening. Thanks for reading, so glad you enjoyed.
Stan | December 10, 2011 - 01:02
Ahh... it's not often I get to make someone's evening, so I'm glad to have been of service, Sue.
RachelPatricia | December 12, 2011 - 18:54
So beautiful, sue - a shot to the heart, this was :)
sue dinum | December 12, 2011 - 22:50
Such a compliment from you, Rachel. I really appreciate it.
cynthiae77 | December 13, 2011 - 16:00
sue dinum | December 13, 2011 - 19:32
Thanks very much, cyn.
Overthetop1 | December 15, 2011 - 19:37
This is such a beautiful little vignette. Oh it so deserves a cherry.
sue dinum | December 15, 2011 - 21:14
Thanks very much, OTT, you are very generous. I will gladly accept a cherry from you as I only seem to get one about every two months from ABC. Thank you for reading and commenting.
tarquin1 | December 22, 2011 - 18:30
Plain, simple and perfect. Read it over and over.
sue dinum | December 22, 2011 - 19:35
Thanks, tarquin, that is so generous of you.
Denzella | December 30, 2011 - 17:33
This is lovely. I wish I could convey as much in so few words.
My mantra seems to be why use one word when ten will do.
sue dinum | December 30, 2011 - 22:19
So is mine when I get carried away, especially with the prose. Poetry forces one to crystalize things and that's why I like to try it now and again, but I've never considered myself a poet, I just think it is a wonderful discipline for practising economic use of words.
Many thanks for reading and your comment, Denzella.
scratch | December 30, 2011 - 22:55
I agree whole heartedly with the last two comments.
sue dinum | December 31, 2011 - 13:45
Thanks for that, scratch.
sue dinum | December 31, 2011 - 13:53
By the way, scratch...
A Very Happy New Year to you!
skinner_jennifer | January 10, 2012 - 13:41
I thought this was such a tender, romantic poem,
it's short, but gets straight to the point.
By the way, Happy New Year to you.
sue dinum | January 10, 2012 - 18:19
Thanks very much for your lovely comment, Jenny, and a Happy New Year to you too.
shyrewode | January 10, 2012 - 19:08
Sue, you made every word count. Wonderful.
sue dinum | January 10, 2012 - 19:15
Thank you, shyrewode... glad you enjoyed it.
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