‘I say’, said young Algernon of Duntly Halls.
‘I really am caught by the old Wherewithal’s.
My auntie is coming, to read me her will
and I imagine the plan is to wet a new quill;
she’s threatened before to strike through the part,
where it says that I’ve always been close to her heart
and it’s all the fault of her friend; Getty West,
who caught me inspecting her dear daughter’s breast!
I tried to explain to the dotty old boot
that I really did not intend further pursuit
but she banged her stick, screeching and - clearly enraged -
sent word to ‘The Times’ that we were engaged.
That’s why I sit here and seek your advice
for I’d rather be shot at or eaten by mice
than to enter a contract with Prudence Van Blitz
whom has two saving graces; both of them, tits!'
Now hold on there Algy, don’t get in a state
you’ve come to the right man and it’s not too late;
just give me a min to get my brain in form
and figure a way too get this contract torn
I’ve heard of young Prudence; who hasn’t, by Gad?
and you’re not the first to be labeled a cad.
I’m not suggesting, her virtue is slack
but it is – so it seems – under constant attack.
I seem to recall, it seems, numerous times,
that some other poor fellow has heard wedding chimes;
I heard of one chap, who – when very near matched –
became suddenly single and very Detached!
I remember quite clearly, that when pressures piled,
He mentioned a friendship with old Oscar Wilde
He went into some detail [and it must be said]
By the time that he’d finished; the wedding was dead!
'My recall is whirring and a picture’s now shown
Said young Algernon Duntly, expressing a groan.
If I’m not mistaken, it’s of Smythers, you speak
whom Prudence, so nearly had right up the creek.
His confession created a right royal stench.
They banned him to Paris; to mumble in French
and worse than this, if indeed, worse there can be;
is plagued by old ‘Poufters’ with names like Louis!
He no longer plays cricket and polo is out,
for his changing room choice is causing some doubt.
I think, I would rather be chained and depressed
With Prudence, the thick tart; at least she has breasts
Than to sit by the Seine drinking French wine and beer
And be targeted by every randy old queer
My life is ended; I tell you it’s done;
Unless Prudence has yearnings to become a nun!'
Comments
mjos28 | August 15, 2009 - 15:50
This poem is quite an amusing attempt at the Wildean, but it doesn't seem to know just when it is set. It could be set 60 - 120 years ago, that's how it feels, but then words like "defo" ring untrue.
The gay themes in the third stanza ring of prejudice and are not particularly tasteful. I know it's meant to be funny, but really, it's not, whereas much of the rest of the poem is.
The poem has a strong structure, showing the poet works at craft.
pinda | August 15, 2009 - 17:08
than to enter a contract with Prudence Van Blitz
whom has two saving graces; both of them, tits!
Lol funny turn on a very somewhat serious poem.
:)
threeleafshamrock | August 15, 2009 - 19:21
Hi mjos28. Thank you for commenting. The piece above was set in a bygone time - approx 20's or 30's but not strictly so. It was, as you might have noticed from the blurb inspired by P.G. Wodehouse; that is not to say that it is (or pretends to be) of a quality to be equated with the great man. I take your point with regard to the word 'defo.' and will change it - it just sounded right at the time.
The point you make, with reference to the gay theme in the third stanza is important. I would like to firstly clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been prejudiced in any way towards Gays or anyone of any other sexual orientation. My own personal motto is, 'Live and let live!'
You may have noticed a reference to a person by the name of Oscar Wilde, who was - I believe it is widely accepted - gay (or homo-sexual according to your preference) back in the dark ages, when to be so, was actually against the law and suffered greatly for this.
The view expressed in this piece in no way reflect my personal thoughts but rather the attitude of the character of the piece.
I dare to make the assumption, that you as a writer do not base every character that you create on yourself (if you do, then I stand corrected) and that those characters may well hold views, that you, yourself would not necessarily agree with or even abhor but they are the character's views and NOT yours.
You may well hold the view, that I am using gay people for the sake of getting a laugh at their expense; I know some who might! This is a view that I can ONLY understand if it is also wrong to joke about straight people; is it?
I don't hate, dislike, mind or indeed think a lot about gay people in particular. I don't rant on, in every or I believe any other piece about gays, straights, black, white, green, orange or Asian peoples; I hold NO PREJUDICES! I hope that is clear. I will listen to what others have to say and if any are seriously offended will consider removing the piece, although I think that it would be a sad indictment of the society that we live in.
Thanks again for your views; much appreciated.
Chris
threeleafshamrock | August 15, 2009 - 19:23
Thanks Pin lol glad you enjoyed and congrats on your recent cherry; delighted! ;)
mjos28 | August 15, 2009 - 19:31
Just to reiterate, I did enjoy the poem; I'm sorry if you thought I was having a go.
threeleafshamrock | August 15, 2009 - 19:42
Not at all mjos28...I appreciate and welcome your views. I am just afraid that someone else may think that I am in any way prejudiced, as it is so totally untrue and I really believe that prejudice is very dangerous; if history tells us nothing else, it tells us that!
You would still be entitled to your opinion anyway and I would not expect it to accommodate mine, just for the sake of it.
Genuinely glad of your input.
Chris ;)
hilary west | August 16, 2009 - 20:51
I liked this 3leaf. I felt your rhythm worked really well with a good structure. I didn't sense any prejudice at all - that daft old boot political correctness wants finishing off completely. Nice one. It reminded me of the rattling style of Betjeman !!!.
threeleafshamrock | August 16, 2009 - 22:28
Thanks Hilary ;) I agree with you with regard to political correctness; it's been taken so far, as to defeat its own purpose. Like anything that is over abused, it has become farcical.
Glad you liked.