3. Life just got better - Survival situations are telling

Blimey, just read all three pieces, compulsive, not a wasted word, fast and furious and utterly absorbing. Wish I had this sort of talant. Val

Aww .. Thanks

You should see the version I am working from... hideous. It's from eight years ago. The story and tone is good, but the writing is terrible.

So if it's talent, than it's one that's been learned.

I was thinking of pasting it comparison. It might be instructional for new writers (not saying you are, your work is well developed.) But I think it's too embarrassing. :P

I think you should, it would help people, me included, folk know what you are capable of and if you post the earlier pices with an explanation then they will understand and applaud your intentions. Val

I'll do it here for this piece

If people find it interesting I'll post it more formally.

I had just had some man come ploughing through the front windscreen of my car, which, soon after came into intimate contact with a tree, somewhere, halfway down a valley. When I found my senses, I propped the dead guy up in the passenger seat to stop him from leaking all over me, he drooped more then I had expected, his head bumped against the passenger side window, smearing blood, and as his head fell forward and his body followed, he groaned heavily as the remaining air was forced from his lounges, and hit the dash board and slumped there like a drunk, his nose dripping blood like a busted tap.

I sat back in the seat and took a deep breath. The radio singing "Video killed the radio star" and that he did.

There was so much blood on me, and I was in such a state of shock I couldn't tell if any of it was mine or not. I didn't' have much time to gather the situation, when the door was ripped open with a grinding crunch and I was dragged out by the hair and push up against the car.

"You fucking ass-hole, He was about to kill me," she screamed. She was drenched from the rain, her hair sat flat and long. It was very dark, I couldn't see her face, but I could tell she was very angry.

"Sorry!" is all I could say. I wasn't even quite sure of what I had done. But she knew, and was not happy, and by the collar pushed me up against the car again: "Ruined everything, you idiot!" she yelled.
I tried to think back to an instance in a movie, a show, an ad, or something where this type of thing had happened; all I got were images of people arguing weather to go to the police, slamming the boot on a body, or people being lead from court, hand cuffed with their jackets over their faces.

She grunted in frustration and pushed me aside and started to pace. The rain still coming down hard: gathering in the trees and falling in huge drops. I had images of court sketches of myself, plastered over the six o'clock news.

I'm drunk! I thought, I'll be a statistic, and with the road toll so high these days, not even a notable statistic.

"Is he dead?" she asked.

"Well, have a look!” I said dead pan.

She looked and yes, he was very dead, as dead as they come.

Picture it: The radio tells us to live life to the full, for just eleven fifty per week.

A dead guy in the passenger seat; the rain, the night, the girl and me... it was all a bit much.

I leaned in to grab the bottle I'd been sipping before being sent off the road, and there, wedged between the dead guys leg and the gear stick was a sawn off shot gun. Shocked, I grabbed the bottle, came out pointing into the car... "There is a gun in there"...

But apparently the girl had something else on her mind, she was pacing once again and talking to herself, I couldn't quite make it out. Then she turned and said "right, I have to get rid of the body and the car!" I couldn't believe she said it; it was so cliché, that's the sort of sentence you only get in the movies. I said nothing.

"Is that your car?"
Yeah!
"Registered and in your name?"
Yeah!
“Really?”
Yeah
"Shit!"

In these situations you have to stop and think, I've seen it a thousand times on TV, you know, when the characters are in this type of situation and you’re there waving your fist at the them, "Idiots", because you would know what to do. You've seen enough LAPD, enough Inspector Morse, enough Crime Scene Investigation, enough Law and Order, not to mention the documentaries played on non-commercial stations; you know all the tricks. You could do it right, you have the stomach for it, it could be done. In that situation you'd force yourself to smash out the teeth, to burn the body and the rest of it, Right?

Wow! yes I can see how much better the re-write reads, this is not so taut and meanders a little too long. I think people would appreciate examples like this, especially those who are just starting out. Val

Great stuff White Dwarf, this is really good writing. I love the 'voice' of the guy- it's gritty, dark, with clever bits of humour which are authentic, human:

'As she leans in the radio tells her to “live life to the full, feminie hygiene can’t hold you back,” and that she should “Live free – with wings.”

This is amusing, surreal- a snapshot of bright consumer-land which clashes absurdly with the situation in hand.

'Then she turned and said "right, I have to get rid of the body and the car!" I couldn't believe she said it; it was so cliché, that's the sort of sentence you only get in the movies. I said nothing.'

I like this. It adds depth to the situation by making the reader think 'oh yeah, that IS the kind of thing they say in movies'...and yet in the story it's for real, so it kind of works on several levels.
Anyway that's what I get from it.

Thanks for sharing!

I think your right Brabene.

8 years ago I didn't want to delete things, I thought the more description the better. Now I know the better.

I might post up a small workshop item about editing with a chainsaw.

Sunday - You rock my socks girl.
8 years ago I used to watch TV with a note pad and write down all the hilarious advertising slogans that seemed to promise a better life if you buy what we are selling. So they are all real, and all absurd.

'Then she turned and said "right, I have to get rid of the body and the car!" I couldn't believe she said it; it was so cliché, that's the sort of sentence you only get in the movies. I said nothing.'

That's from the original - you think I should add it to the rewrite? (edited of course)

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I've just remembered this story is huge... it's 21.000 words.

Only 19.500 to go.

Awesome piece yet again, Ill definatly make my way through all your work. See what happens when you trudge into the past, you need to be sure to take a flashlight and +7 armour back there!! Also thankyou for your information re: editing etc :) Now stop distracting me from uni!!

If E from Eels wrote prose, this would be it...